Cupcake

Michael to Luna: 

“Come here and take off that silly hat. What did you do all day?”

“Nothing.”

“I can believe it. What’s for dinner?”

“Candy!”

“You forgot to make something, didn’t you.”

“No. I planned on candy.”

“Dammit Luna! I’m hungry.”

“Want a cupcake?”

“Give it here, so I can squish it in your face.”

“No, sheesh! That’s not very nice.”

“Don’t eat the cupcake.”

“Why?”

“You’re not supposed to have sweets before dinner.”

“Oh wow, someone’s not listening.”

“Give it here!”

“Hey! Give that back.”

*squish*

“Bon appetit.”

The Night Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house,
No one could sleep because Luna was soused.

Her stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
Along with some of her underwear.

While most other children were snug in their bed,
Luna was up causing trouble instead.

Ma in her kerchief and me in my cap,
We locked the door in case she attacked.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
Oh dear god, it’s her with a ladder.

So away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

The moon on her breasts that were covered in snow,
Had me transfixed on the objects below.

Then what to my wondering eyes did appear,
The lights of a Jaguar speeding near.

With an angry driver, so livid and pissed,
Under my breath I whispered, oh shit.

Like a rabid dog, the wicked man came.
He whistled and shouted and called Luna names.

God dammit, stop dancing and prancing  you vixen!
Come here you psycho, problematic and blitzed one.

But to the top of the porch, to the top of the wall,
She dashed and she flashed her ass for yea all.

As leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
Her skirt went airborne in the windy night sky.

Up to the rooftop the little one flew,
She kicked down the ladder and laughed at the dude.

Then in a twinkling, I heard on the roof,
The familiar click of her high heeled shoes.

As I drew in my head and was turning around,
Down the chimney Luna came with a bound.

She was dressed in furs from head to foot,
And her clothes were tarnished with ashes and soot.

The bag full of liquor she flung on her back,
Was all for her, I found that out fast.

Her eyes how they twinkled, her dimples how merry.
Her cheeks were filled with cocktail cherries.

On top of her head was a cute little bow,
To hide the horns that were growing below.

The stump of a pipe she held in her teeth,
It made her cough so she set down her weed.

She had a nice rack and showed off her belly,
She bounced around and it woke up my willy.

Chubby and plump this horny old elf,
Started to drool in spite of myself.

With a wink of an eye and a tilt of her head,
She subtly stole my last bottle of red.

She spoke not a word but went straight to work,
Stealing more things like my pants and my shirt.

Laying her finger to the side of her nose,
She gave a nod and up the chimney she rose.

She sprang to a tree and to the jerk gave a whistle.
He wrestled her down with the charm of a thistle.

Then I heard her exclaim as they drove out of sight.
Merry Christmas to me and to me all a good night.

Sin

Luna talked to the stars from her window,
Alex listened nearby.
She told them she’d been good today,
But he knew it was a lie.

The Soprano

Asa to Alex:

“What the hell is that noise?”

“It’s Luna. She’s drunk again, out on the balcony singing opera.”

“Make her stop.”

“You. I think it’s funny.”

“It’s embarrassing.”

“She’s actually pretty good at it.”

“She is not, you fuckball!”

“Did you know she could sing in Italian?”

“That is not Italian.”

“Whatever. I love it when she pisses you off.”

“I’m putting a stop to this.”

“Great, so what’s stopping you?”

“The sword and viking helmet.”

Key Lime Turkey Pie

Michael:

“Luna, what are you doing?”

“Stuffing a turkey.”

“With what, dare I ask?”

“It’s a surprise.”

“I don’t like your kitchen surprises.”

“You don’t like any of my surprises, sir.”

“No, I don’t. Just promise me you’ll be careful, okay? I got to go. I’m late for a meeting.”

“I hate your stupid meetings.”

“I know you do.”

“Stay home then.”

“I wish I could but I can’t.”

“Whatever.”

 “Where are my keys? They were sitting right here.”

“Not sure. Move so I can put this bitch in the oven.”

“You stop.”

“It’s kind of heavy, sir.”

“Luna, where are my keys?”

“Surprise!”

Bad Day

Alex:

“Hi Luna,

I heard you had a bad day.

Sorry sweetheart,

Tomorrow will be better.

You’ll see.

Want to talk about it?

No?

Okay then.

Could you at least do me a favor and stop throwing darts?

Aim at the board then.

That’s better.

Kind of.

So, tell me what happened.

Did someone make you mad?

Who was it.

It was me?

That’s absurd!

Hey, let go of my tie.

Let go of my tie, hon.

Come on now, let go.

What did I do to make you mad?

Oh.

Well in all fairness,

You were going to get in trouble anyway,

And I just wanted to watch.

Ouch!

Give me those darts.

And for the last time, let go of my tie.

Let.

Go.

Thank-you.

God, you’ve got one hell of a grip.

Think I'll get out of here before you grab something else.

My Apologies

Alex:

“Hello Luna.

I read your apology letter to the school board.

You spelled cock sucker wrong.

And there’s no need to hyphenate mother fuckers.

What were you thinking.

Oh and for future reference, the gentleman’s name is Peter.

Simply Peter.

Unfortunately the school board read your letter before I did.

Michael is waiting for you downstairs.

You’re on your own, little missy.

Or is ‘Little Miss Luna Bitch to You Wrinkled Assholes’ your official new title.

Thanks for the bird, sunshine.

Talk later.”