Peepholes

 Michael:

“Luna! Where the hell are you going?”

“Nowhere.”

“What’s in your bag? It’s so heavy you can barely stand.”

“Nothing.”

“Bring it here. Good lord. What are you doing with all these power tools?”

“I’m using them to fix things, you know… things that need fixin’.”

“I don’t like the sounds of this.”

“Well, I wanted to keep it a surprise.”

“Oh, I bet you did. Go put them back where you found them.”

“Fine.”

“Luna, you’re going the wrong way.”

"Dammit."

~~~~~~

Alex:

“Luna! What are you doing?”

“I just installed a peephole in your door!”

“You just drilled a hole through my door and that’s it.”

“I know! You’re welcome.”

“Where are you going now?”

“Off to drill a couple for Asa.”

“Carry on then.”

~~~~~~

Michael:

“I thought I told you to put those tools away.”

“I’m headed there right now, promise.”

“Luna, what have you been up to all this time?”

“I installed a peephole in everyone’s door!”

“Everyone’s door?”

“Yup!”

“About four and a half feet up?”

“Of course!”

“Fuck.”

“Okay well if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go put these tools away now.”

“Luna?"

"Yes sir?"

"You’re going the wrong way.”

School Daze

Asa:

“Luna, what are you doing in my face?”

“I love the way you smell.”

“You’re making it hard for me to drink.”

“God, I love the way you smell when you drink.”

“Good, then let me. Will you?”

“Just one more whiff.”

“Luna, you know what happens when you press your tits against me for too long.”

“You wouldn’t dare.”

“I would and you know it.”

“You’re bluffing.”

“You have til the count of three.”

“HEY! You didn’t even start counting!”

“Hehehe. You like that don’t you, Luna.”

“Oh my god! People are staring.”

“Fuck, I wonder why.”

“Gosh, you’re going to get me into trouble… again.”

“I warned you.”

Alex: “LUNA!”

“Wha?...”

“Wake up! You’re dreaming in class... again. Let go of yourself and wipe the slobber off your book, please.”

Princess and the Pea

Michael:

"Luna, what’s troubling you?"

"Nothing."

"Quit stabbing at your vegetables then."

"I’m not hungry."

"It’s not their fault."

"I don’t like peas."

"What are you talking about? You love peas."

"Not today. Today I hate peas. Today I declare war on peas. Peas shall quake in my presence. Peas shall fear me and today, peas shall fly."

"Young lady, if you are loading up that spoon with the intent to launch your food, let me forewarn you such action will result in a myriad of consequences including but not limited to..."

Luna: *launches peas*

Bad Santa

Alex: 

“So Luna, have you been a good girl for Santa this year?”

“Fuck no and why would you even ask.”

“He left you a present.”

“Ooh, give it to me!”

“Wait a minute. It doesn’t sound like you deserve it.”

“Well that wasn’t very nice. It sounds like Santa wanted me to have it or he wouldn’t have given it to you to give to me. So, hand it over.”

“Hey, maybe it’s for me! I just assumed it was for you since it was addressed to my little angel. I didn’t think Santa would be so mushy with me but I guess it’s possible.”

“It’s not for you. Give it here.”

“No. You’re being a brat.”

“Fine then I’ll go back to singing x-mas carols.”

“X-mas carols indeed. Take your present.”

“Oh yay! For me? You shouldn’t have.”

“I didn’t, trust me.”

“Oh look, earrings!”

“Nipple clips.”

“What?”

“Nothing. Try them on, Luna.”

“Ow! These earrings aren’t very nice.”

“I think it’s safe to say Santa bought those for you.”

“I take it I’m expected to wear these to the dinner party tonight?”

“Absolutely not!”

“Good, I’m not sure what Santa was thinking.”

"Me neither and that is the last time I offer to deliver a present."

Mission Accomplished

Alex:  “What the hell did you say that for?”

Luna:  “I’m sorry.”

“No, you get back here. Sorry doesn’t cut it this time.”

“I didn’t mean it!”

“Then you shouldn’t have said it.”

“I take it back.”

“Too late.”

“Ow!”

“Explanation yourself.”

“You don't have to be so rough.”

“I barely have a hold of you. Answer me.”

“I said it to get a reaction, I suppose.”

“Mission accomplished.”

“Ouch!”

"I am not hurting you."

"You're scaring me."

“You wanted a reaction and you got one. I'm angry now. Are you happy?”

“No.”

“Good.”

“I told you I didn’t mean it.”

“Words are powerful things, Luna. They’re weapons and you know it. I put up with a lot of bullshit from you but this time you've gone too far. You should have thought twice before telling me…”

Michael: “What's going on in here?”

Alex: “Nothing. I was just leaving.”

Candy From a Stranger

Luna went to the casino, on a mission to hunt down Asa. She got distracted along the way.

“Ooh, is that a bar? I could go for a drink right now. Kinda nervous.

Oh, dear lord. Will you look at that man talking to the bartender.

He looks filthy rich. Bet he’ll buy my drink, they always do. Time to order something nice.

Asshole. He didn’t buy my drink. Good thing I stole plenty of money from Alex.

Really? Now this guy wants to know my name? Should’ve bought my drink, mister.

Hey buddy, let go!

Calm down? No, you calm down mother fucker!

Apology accepted, just because you’re cute. No, I don’t want to sit down.

Ouch! Okay fine I guess I’ll sit down. Who the hell does this guy think he is?

Great. I finally tell him my name but he won’t tell me his. What a prick.

He’s a good looking prick though, damn. Smells so fine. Got me sticking around for no good reason.

I need a cigarette. Pretty sure he'll give me one.

What a bastard! He wants a kiss for a cigarette.

You know, I have no problem with that.

Oh.

My.

God.

Please never let this moment end.

Who the fuck is tapping on my shoulder?

Oh shit.

It's Asa.”

Casino

Luna:  “Hi sir!”

Asa:  “Hey, babe.”

“That’s a very nice suit you have on. Is it new?”

“Yes it is. Don’t touch it.”

“It’s white.”

“You’re very observant.”  

“I just mean, I wouldn’t dare touch it.”

“Good. I’ll let you keep your fingers then.”

“I like the gold buttons.”

“They’re nice.”

“Matches your gold chain.”

“Yes it does.”

“And your gold teeth.”

“That’s enough, Luna.”

“Okay.”

“You talk too much, you know that?”

“I know. So, where are you going?”

“To the casino.”

“To gamble?”

“This time.”

“I don’t think they like you there.”

“That’s because I’m a winner and they don’t like winners there.”

“You’re also a cheater.”

“Again, with the talking too much.”

“Is that a new tattoo?”

“Yes it is. I got a couple new ones.”

“Cool.”

“I had this one done for you.”

“Oh my god.”

“Do you like it?”

“You got my name tattooed… on the inside of your wrist?”

“Yes I did, so don’t ever disappoint me.”

*silence*

“Fuck, I got to go. I’m running late.”

“I don’t think you should go.”

“Why not.”

“I don’t know. I just have a bad feeling.”

“Move it, you’re sitting on my gun.”

“Oh, sorry.”

“I’m out of here but listen up. Do not follow me. Don't wait up and don’t tell anyone about the gun. Got it?”

“Got it.”

“Goodbye, Luna.”

*door slam*

“Oh my god, he likes me. I need to find something to wear.”

*door opens*

“Don’t follow me Luna, I mean it!”

“Okay!”

*door slams*

“Something white to match his suit. Dammit, I love the casino.”

Escapee

Michael:

“Excuse me, Ma’am? Have you seen a young girl pass by? She’s short with long dark hair, wearing a black dress with…

She went that way? Thank-you.

Pardon me, Sir? Have you seen a young girl running around? She’s short with long dark hair, wearing a black dress with red boots…

She went in there? Are you kidding me? Fuck. If you’ll excuse me.

Hello there. It seems I would like a ticket to whatever is playing in this theatre. Thank-you. So what is playing tonight?

Great, judging by the look on your face I don’t even want to know.

Usher, excuse me but have you seen a young girl come through? She’s short with long black hair, wearing a black dress, red boots and a spiky leather collar.

Never mind, I see her. She’s climbing on stage and it appears I’ve bought a ticket to a male strip show. Excuse me.

Whoa lady! Hey, don’t be grabbing me there! Jesus, I got to get out of here, these chicks are crazy.

Damn. Guess I’ll just wait outside by the back door. They should be kicking her out at any...”

“Hi, sir!"

“Hello, Luna.”

Critics

Asa:  “Luna, what are you listening to? That’s awful, turn it off.”

“It’s classical music and this song is almost over.”

“I don’t care. Turn it off, now.”

“Thirty more seconds.”

“No more seconds!”

“Hey, give that back!”

“You had your chance.”

“Where are you taking it?”

“Back off.”

“Hey! What the fuck did you throw it out the window for?”

“Hehehe, that was fun.”

“It’s raining and you probably ruined it!”

“Where are you going, brat?”

“To go get it, thanks a lot. Asshole.”

“Get back here!”

“No, let go.”

“Stop fighting me.”

“No. Let go!”

“You’re mine now, you little bitch and you know what that means...”

Michael:  “What the fuck is going on in here?”

Asa:  “It’s Luna, she’s throwing a tantrum as well as her things out the window. I’m just trying to calm her down.”

Luna:  “Liar!”

“Luna calm down. Asa, let her go.”

“Yay! Finally. Now I can go get my stupid stereo.”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because I said so.”

“That’s a stupid reason.”

“Because you’re mine and I make the rules around here. Don’t you forget it, young lady.”

Alex:  “Hello, um someone lost a stereo. Nearly hit me with it as I was coming up to the house and judging by the cd inside, this doesn’t belong to Asa.”

Luna:  “I did NOT throw my damn stereo out the window! Now give it back.”

Alex:  “No.”

“Why not.”

“Because you stole my cd.”

“Did not.”

“Did so.”

“Well if I did, then it must be mine so hand it over.”

“I've officially stolen it back.”

“God dammit, fine. But I really liked that cd.”

“You did?”

“Yes.”

“Really?”

“Yes!”

“Well, I guess I can let you borrow it a bit longer.”

“Why can’t I just have it?”

“Because it’s mine, Luna.”

“Fine but I think I might need a new stereo.”

Alex:  “Don’t look at me!”

“Okay then. Asa, I need a new...”

Asa:  “No fucking way.”

“Um sir, I think I need a new stereo.”

Michael:  “Luna?”

“Yes sir?”

“Why don’t you try playing the one you have?”

“Well what do you know, it works.”

Michael:  “God damn, Luna. I’m happy for you but that’s an awful song, turn it off.”

“Wait! It’s almost over.”

“Now!"

“Okay fine, sheesh.”

Playtime

Michael: 

“Luna! Are you doing what I think you’re doing?”

“No.”

“Luna! We’re in public. Stop it.”

“No one can tell. Besides, it’s kind of fun.”

“Knock it off before someone sees you.”

“Does it bother you? To know what I’m doing?”

“Yes, it does and you’ve got three seconds to stop it before I tie your hands behind your back for the rest of the day.”

Asa:  “Hi there. Whoa Luna! Were you just doing what I think you were doing?”

“No!”

Michael:  “Yes.”

“Was not.”

“Get your fingers out of your mouth.”

Asa:  “Can we get out of this fucking store already?”

Michael:  “Good idea.”

Luna:  “Wait! No one’s bought me anything yet.”

Michael:  “God forbid. Well, this ought to do.”

Luna:  “I don’t have any use for a necktie.”

Michael:  “Yes you do...”

Asa:  “Nice. That’ll keep her hands from wandering.”

Luna:  “Oh, come on. This is stupid.”

Michael:  “Walk over to the register so I can pay for the tie.”

Luna:  “No way! And if you make me, I'll tell the dude exactly why my hands are tied behind my back.”

Asa:  “And another tie for the mouth. Saw that coming.”

Michael:  “Much better. Let’s get out of here."

Asa:  “Me fucking first.”

Monday

Asa:  

“Luna, where is my secretary?”

“I dunno.”

“Liar.”

“She’s out on an errand.”

“You sent my secretary out on an errand?”

“There’s only room for one of us here.”

“Luna, I need my secretary. Go find her, I’ll be in my fucking office.”

*door slam*

“Whatever.”

*phone rings*

Luna:  “Hello! You have reached Asa’s office. He is currently unavailable, especially if you’re a lady. Please leave a message after the beep or not… um beep.”

Asa:  “Did you just answer my phone?”

“Of course not.”

“God dammit! Where the hell is my secretary?”

“I’m your secretary now, no sense in trying to fight it.”

“I’m only going to say this one more time, female. Get my fucking secretary back here or your ass is mine.”

*door slam*

“Whatever.”

*phone rings*

Luna:  (breathes hard, moans and hangs up)

Asa:  “GOD DAMMIT! That’s it, come here you little bitch.”

Luna:  “Oh, well look whose back! It’s your secretary. Hi there sweetheart, thank-you for the latte. Sorry about the blizzard outside. You don’t look so bad considering the walk. Asa wants to talk to you but I’ll warn you, he’s a little cranky this morning. Anyway, I’ll just leave you two alone to discuss how I got in here and how to prevent it from happening in the future. Bye-bye!”

*door slam*

Halloween Party

Alex: “Luna? Is that you?”

“Yup! Hi sir.”

“That’s one hell of a costume you’re wearing.”

“I decided to be Cleopatra this year.”

“I thought you were going to be a drag queen.”

“Michael said no, he burnt my costume in a tiny fit of rage.”

“Told you that wouldn’t go over well.”

“He said he didn’t like me running around with a cock. He said it wasn’t very lady-like but I almost wore it anyway.”

“Is that why he grabbed your crotch in the parking lot?”

“Yes, what an asshole. It’s like he doesn’t even trust me.”

“Go figure.”

“By the way, your costume is boring sir.”

“I’m too old to dress up for Halloween.”

“You’re dressed up like a boring, old teacher that doesn’t know how to have any fun.”

“Let’s go bob for apples, Luna. You first, so I can help.”

“Ha ha ha, very funny. Hold my purse. I need to fix my costume.”

“I don’t want to hold your purse.”

“Careful, there are snakes in it.”

“Tell me you’re lying.”

“Can’t you feel them moving around?”

“Oh my God, Luna!”

“Hey, you dropped my purse! Come here my precious little babies.”

“Dammit! What the hell did you bring snakes to the party for?”

“They’re just my pets. I found them.”

“I don’t believe you. I think Cleopatra brought snakes to the party for a reason.”

“Trick or treat!”

“Luna.”

“Kidding.”

“Promise you’ll keep them in your purse.”

“If you’ll promise not to tell Michael I have ‘em.”

“One is trying to escape.”

“Oh hello there, little fella! What are you up to? …He’s just looking for the backseat of your car, sir. I’ll go show him the way.”

“LUNA!!!  Get back here! …Dammit. That girl can run fast in a pair of heels.” 

Asa's Place

Knock knock knock.

*silence*

Knock Knock Knock!

*silence*

Pound! Pound…

“Luna, what the hell do you want?”

“Trick or treat!”

“What... in the fuck are you wearing?”

“My Halloween costume! I’m a drag queen. Do you like my boobs?”

“Stop jumping up and down.”

“They’re water balloons.”

“Great, Luna.”

“Hey, do you wanna make-out?”

“What?”

“Check out my package!”

“WHOA. Luna, what the fuck!”

“It’s another water balloon.”

“Christ. Does Michael know where you are?”

“Probably not.”

Michael: “There you are!”

“Crap.”

“I’ve been looking everywhere for you.”

“Tada! Here I am.”

“Luna, I already told you that is NOT an acceptable costume for tonight’s Halloween party. Go home and change.”

“But I worked really long… and hard… on this costume!”

“Don’t grab yourself like that.”

“Whoops, I have a wet spot. Think I might’ve sprung a leak in my weenie balloon.”

“Dammit, Luna!”

“Just kidding.”

“Get out of here!”

“What if I don’t want to go?”

“Asa? Get me a collar and leash off one of the dogs.”

“Gladly.”

“Never mind. Damn, that girl can run fast in heels.”

The Wedding: Finale

Luna ran through the pouring rain and made it back to the church. The music played inside. She hid among the coats in the closet and spied on the people walking by.

Lightning struck, the lights went out. It caused a stir for a while. But candles were lit and arrangements made, the wedding was about to start.

The organ cued, guests hurried into the chapel. Luna stayed behind. She sat in the closet and wondered what Asa had planned.

The bride walked down the aisle, Luna wanted a peek. She slipped from the closet and towards the door then slowly pushed it aside.

It was very hard to see. The bride had reached the groom but Asa had taken his place. She screamed in horror then dropped her pretty bouquet.

The party began to talk, everyone a bit confused. Luna smiled and grew more curious. She walked further into the room.

The groom walked in behind her and pointed a gun at Asa but Luna was in the way. Michael plowed over seated guests and hauled her ass outside.

Asa disappeared during the distraction. They gathered back at the house. Michael was mad but Asa just laughed and admired his trampled bouquet.

The Wedding

Michael and Luna

Michael:  “Luna, go get dressed. The wedding starts in an hour.”

“Why do I have to go?”

“Why do you have to question me?”

“Why do you have to answer my question with a question?”

“They’ll be serving alcohol, sweetheart.”

“Should I wear the red dress or the blue one?”

“The red one. I want to be able to pick you out of the crowd.”

“I’ll behave.”

“Yeah, right.”

“I get bored.”

“You get in trouble.”

“Cures the boredom.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Alex and Asa

Alex: “Hey Asa. Are you going to the wedding?”

“Fuck yeah, I wouldn’t miss it for the world. I was banging that bitch a week ago. Can’t wait to watch her squirm when I walk in.”

“Oh shit! You aren’t going to start any trouble, are you?”

“Maybe.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Michael and Luna

Michael:  “Luna, that is NOT the red dress I had in mind and your fishnet stockings are completely inappropriate.”

“Fine. I’ll go put on my white dress.”

“No!”

“Why not?”

“We don’t need anyone mistaking you for the bride.”

“That would be so much fun.”

“No.”

“Fine. How about my gold dress?”

“No.”

“My black dress?”

“Fuck no!”

“Well god dammit! What do you want me to wear then?”

“What about your purple dress?”

“I ripped it falling out of the tree, remember?”

“Grrr. What about the pink one?”

“I burnt a hole in it.”

“Luna, that one was a gift.”

“It was also an accident.”

“Go put on your yellow dress.”

“I hate that thing!”

“I know. Let me know if you need help zipping it up.”

Dear Diary

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Roller Derby

Alex: “Luna, what the hell are you doing?”

“I have to pee.”

“Yes, I can tell by the unfortunate hold you have on yourself. Would you please let go.”

“I seriously have to pee.”

“We’re in public, knock it off.”

“I really, really have to pee.”

“And why didn’t you think of this before you put on skates?”

“Didn’t have to go then, duh.”

“So, what are you waiting for then? Go!”

“I don’t know how to skate.”

“You what?”

“I don’t know how to skate.”

“Luna, why the hell did you drag me to a roller rink then?”

“I don’t know.”

“Let go of yourself!”

“No! Push me to the bathroom.”

“Push you? No! I don’t get paid enough to do that kind of shit.”

“Oh but I think you do, hurry please.”

“Grrrrr.”

“Pleeeeeease?”

“Fine. Let’s go.”

“Whoa, careful! Push slower.”

“Shut up.”

“Hey did that kid just point and laugh at me?”

“Yes he did Luna, keep moving.”

“Oh, hell no! He ain’t getting away with that.”

“Hey, I thought you had to pee!”

“Get back here you miserable little prick!”

Hey, I thought you couldn’t skate!”

“I’m going to kick his ass.”

“Luna, you are a fucking little liar!”

“Take that! You stupid little shit.”

“LUNA! I can’t believe you just tripped him!”

“I didn’t mean to.”

“No, of course not! Now where are you going?”

“Move it, I still have to pee.”

“Let go of yourself, god dammit!”

“No way!”

“I’ll give you a hundred dollars to fucking let go.”

“Okay! Sold. Pay up.”

“Don’t have to pee anymore?”

“No, not really. Pay up.”

“Luna, I don’t appreciate…”

“Pay up.”

*sigh*

“Thank-you sir, you’re the best! Put your skates on, okay? I’m going to take over the jukebox.  I wonder how many times this will play my favorite song over and over again. Don’t try to leave me here like you did last week at the circus, okay? I still have clown paint in places it should never grace. Anyway, I’ll be right back but I’ll be watching you sir, watching you like a hawk.”

“Luna, watch where you’re going.”

“Ouch!”

“Fucking hell.”

“Stupid pole.”

Joyride

Alex: “Luna, where have you been?”

“Nowhere.”

“Why is your purse wet?”

“I’m not sure!”

“Where are the keys to my car?”

“I don’t know.”

“Why does your hair look like you’ve been out for a joyride?”

“It does?”

“I spent the afternoon listening to the police scanner, Luna.”

“Oh really?”

“Someone kept them awfully busy and for quite some time.”

“Huh, weird. So did they catch the guy?”

“No Luna, it would appear that they did not.”

“Bummer. Sounds entertaining!”

“Oh, it was.”

“What an apple? So, exactly what kind of mischief did this person cause?”

“Well for starters, she held up a fruit stand with a leaky squirt-gun and no, I do not want an apple.”

“She?”

“Yes, she. They weren’t fooled by the fake mustache.”

“Hahaha! Funny.”

“Hand over my keys.”

“I told you already, I don’t have them.”

“What the hell where you thinking, when you come to a complete stop on the freeway?”

“I had to let out that homeless guy.”

“Luna.”

“He said something about getting car sick.”

“From doing donuts in the park, perhaps?”

“It wasn’t me.”

“It was you.”

“I was just teasing sir, I would never take your car out for a joyride, ever.”

“There’s a bug stuck to your forehead.”

“Ew! There is not.”

“That’s what happens when you stick your head out of a fast moving car.”

“I just wanted to tell that dick in front of me to move it.”

“Luna.”

“It wasn’t me.”

“You have another bug stuck on your cheek.”

“Gross! You’re just trying to make me confess.”

 “Smile, I bet there’s a few in your teeth.”

“Ew!”

“Sure enough, there they are.”

“EW EW EW! I need a mirror.”

“Get back here. You’re not going anywhere until I get my keys.”

“Let go!”

“Keys.”

“But I already told you I didn’t…”

“Keys.”

“Dammit! Fine. Here are your stupid keys. Now let go.”

“Not a chance.”

“Hey! That’s not fair.”

“I can’t believe you managed to elude the police, Luna. What the hell did you do with the plates to my car?”

“I put them on Asa’s car, why?”

“My car was reported stolen.”

“Uh-oh.”

“Go wash your face Luna, I’m going to listen to the scanner some more.”