The Night Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house,
No one could sleep because Luna was soused.

Her stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
Along with some of her underwear.

While most other children were snug in their bed,
Luna was up causing trouble instead.

Ma in her kerchief and me in my cap,
We locked the door in case she attacked.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
Oh dear god, it’s her with a ladder.

So away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

The moon on her breasts that were covered in snow,
Had me transfixed on the objects below.

Then what to my wondering eyes did appear,
The lights of a Jaguar speeding near.

With an angry driver, so livid and pissed,
Under my breath I whispered, oh shit.

Like a rabid dog, the wicked man came.
He whistled and shouted and called Luna names.

God dammit, stop dancing and prancing  you vixen!
Come here you psycho, problematic and blitzed one.

But to the top of the porch, to the top of the wall,
She dashed and she flashed her ass for yea all.

As leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
Her skirt went airborne in the windy night sky.

Up to the rooftop the little one flew,
She kicked down the ladder and laughed at the dude.

Then in a twinkling, I heard on the roof,
The familiar click of her high heeled shoes.

As I drew in my head and was turning around,
Down the chimney Luna came with a bound.

She was dressed in furs from head to foot,
And her clothes were tarnished with ashes and soot.

The bag full of liquor she flung on her back,
Was all for her, I found that out fast.

Her eyes how they twinkled, her dimples how merry.
Her cheeks were filled with cocktail cherries.

On top of her head was a cute little bow,
To hide the horns that were growing below.

The stump of a pipe she held in her teeth,
It made her cough so she set down her weed.

She had a nice rack and showed off her belly,
She bounced around and it woke up my willy.

Chubby and plump this horny old elf,
Started to drool in spite of myself.

With a wink of an eye and a tilt of her head,
She subtly stole my last bottle of red.

She spoke not a word but went straight to work,
Stealing more things like my pants and my shirt.

Laying her finger to the side of her nose,
She gave a nod and up the chimney she rose.

She sprang to a tree and to the jerk gave a whistle.
He wrestled her down with the charm of a thistle.

Then I heard her exclaim as they drove out of sight.
Merry Christmas to me and to me all a good night.