Crab

Luna: “Fuck Asa, you scared me!”

“What the hell is going on in here? Why aren’t you downstairs?”

“Because this is the stupidest dinner party, ever.”

“What’s that smell?”

“Nothing.”

“It’s coming from your purse.”

“Hey, give that back!”

“What the hell Luna, a crab? You stole an entire crab?”

“Yeah, so what. I’m hungry.”

“You couldn’t wait ten minutes and eat with everyone else?”

“Apparently not. Hey! Why did you throw it on the floor?”

“That’s disgusting Luna.”

“No it’s not.”

“Where are you going with it?”

“I’m going to eat it.”

“How the hell are you going to crack it?”

“With this…”

“A mallet?”

“Yup!”

“Are you serious? Where the hell did you even get that thing?”

“Don’t remember.”

“Don’t you dare pound that thing on the dresser.”

“I’d stand back if I were you.”

“You’re going to make a fucking mess.”

“Don’t worry, I’m pretty sure I can hit him.”

“Oh god…”

*BAM*

“That wasn’t very effective, now was it Luna.”

“No but I bet the legs are around here somewhere.”

Michael: “What the hell is going on in here? Why aren’t you downstairs? What the hell is that smell? What is all over your dress? Asa, what the hell did Luna do now?”

“She…”

“Never mind, I don’t want to know. Luna, get your ass downstairs.”

“Looking like this? No way.”

“GO! …or I’m going to take that crab leg out of your hair and shove it up your nose!”

“Sir, you wouldn’t really do that, would you?”

*reaches for it*

*screams and runs away*

Joy Ride

Asa: “I wouldn't go in there if I were you.”

Alex: “Why not?”

“Luna just got busted for taking the limo on a joyride.”

“I didn't know she could drive.”

“She can’t.”

“Michael sounds pissed.”

“He is. She really did some damage.”

“Is it totaled?”

“The lawn? Yes.”

“Fuck. Wish I could have been there.”

“Me too. There’s more than one set of tracks. I’m not sure what else she got a hold of.”

“Really…”

“Yup. So what brings you here?”

“I can’t find my fucking keys.”

Kittens

Michael: “LUNA!”

“Yes sir?”

“Why is there a litter of kittens in my office?”

“I found them, aren’t they cute?”

“Found them where?”

“Outside with their mama! See, I brought her in too.”

“So why did you bring them into my fucking office?”

“Because I like it in here.”

“You know I don’t like cats.”

“Yes you do and look, this one likes you back!”

“Luna, get it off of me.”

“No, just pet it!”

“It’s not my kind of pussy.”

“Come on, he wants to stay! I’ll just set him right here.”

“Luna?”

“Yes?”

“He’s peeing on my desk.”

“Oh.”

“Take them back outside.”

“Not until you help me name this one.”

“Dog Food. Do you want me to name the rest?”

“No.”

“Chew Toy?”

“No.”

“Speed Bump?”

“Sir!”

“Target Practice.”

“Stop it!”

“Take them away.”

“Tell them you’re sorry.”

“The only one that’s going to be sorry here is you.”

“I wasn’t the one who peed on your desk.”

“Yes, and let me take this opportunity to say… DON’T YOU EVER EVEN THINK OF IT!”

“You must think I’m crazy!”

“Like a rabid rabbit.”

“Rabbits are cute, do you like rabbits?”

“Yes I do, for dinner.”

*sigh*

“Don’t forget this one, Luna.”

“I can’t hold them all. Will you help me?”

“Sure, come here.”

“Hey! You stuck him down my shirt!”

“I’d get moving if I were you, he looks restless.”

“Hahaha, it tickles!”

“Luna, what are you doing now?”

“Putting them all down my shirt! This will be funny.”

*sigh*

“There! Hahaha, I love kittens.”

“Wonderful. Now pick up their mother and go before another one has to use the bathroom.”

“Ew!”

“Bet you didn’t think of that, did you?”

“EWWWW!”

“Well stop thinking about it and go!”

“Will you get the door?”

“Gladly.”

“I’ll be back, sir.”

“That’s fantastic.”

Frosty

Alex: “Where did Luna go?”

Asa: “She’s outside building a snowman, check it out.”

“Oh dear, she certainly is. I don’t think that’s traditionally where the carrot goes.”

“No and I don’t think Frosty had coal for testicles either.”

“Makes me wonder what’s in store for his face.”

“Well, she brought out a bag. God only knows what’s in it.”

“Ah I see, she’s reaching in there now and found something.”

“No fucking way...”

“Did she just use a dildo for his nose?”

“Yup and she’s fallen over, laughing about it.”

“Precious. Now she’s making snow angels.”

“I don’t think you can call them angels when Luna does them.”

“Now what is she doing?”

“Back in the bag and this time she’s found a pair of sunglasses. Those look familiar.”

“Hey, those are my fucking mine!”

“Aw… and look at how she bending them to fit his face.”

“God dammit, Luna.”

“Don’t stop her, this is entertaining!”

“Did she just whip out a bra?”

“Bright red in color.”

“Poor fucking snowman.”

“It’s not for him, apparently she just needed a hat.”

“Oh that’s stunning, safe to say she’s been drinking then?”

“Heavily.”

“Oh look, I think she’s had enough. She’s on her hands and knees and… OH MY GOD she’s sucking off the carrot.”

“In fine form, too.”

“This is just wrong. I should go put a stop to this.”

“Then why haven’t you moved.”

“All in good time.”

Oh, Tannenbaum

Michael: “Luna stand by the tree, I want to take a picture.”

“Okay!”

“Luna pull your dress back down, I’m not in the mood.”

“You’re no fun.”

“Stand a little closer to the tree.”

“Like this?”

“Luna get out of the tree.”

“Sheesh, okay. Is this better?”

“Perfect. Now stand still and wipe that stupid grin off your face.”

“That’s my normal smile.”

“No it is not, Luna! Now fucking smile like a normal fucking girl so I can take this fucking god damn picture!”

“Fine.”

“That’s very nice Luna, now hold it… *click* …Did you just stick out your tongue?”

“Hahahahahahah!”

“Oh you think that’s funny? I dare you to stick it out again.”

“No.”

“Why not.”

“Because you’re kind of quick.”

“And don’t you forget it. This is your last chance Luna, smile or else.”

“Or else what? Okay, dumb question. Hey! Let go of my hand. Where are you taking me?”

“I warned you.”

“What are you doing with those Christmas lights? Hey, you can’t tie me up with Christmas lights! Oh come on now. Where’s your sense of humor?”

“I’m about to show you, sweetheart.”

Christmas Spirit

Michael: “Luna for the last time, I’m not buying any more Christmas lights! What the hell happened to them all?”

“I decorated in my room.”

“I was just in your room, I saw no lights.”

“They’re all in the closet, actually.”

“In the what? Luna, we have a million lights. There’s no way you used them all.”

*smiles*

“Fuck. I’ve got to see this.”

“Oh it’s beautiful sir, you’ll like it. It’s like swimming among the stars!”

“How the hell did you hang them all, dare I ask?”

“With nails, which reminds me I’m pretty sure you’re out of nails.”

“Great. And where the hell was my staff, while you were hammering away at the walls?”

“Not sure, I nailed my bedroom door shut for a little while. Anywho, are you ready to see this? Tada!”

“…Oh dear god.”

“I know, it’s pretty cool, right?”

“Luna, I’m in shock.”

“Oh that’s nothing. Check this out, I can make them blink!”

“Holy fuck Luna, turn that shit off!”

“Aw come on, it’s Christmas!”

“Jesus Christ!”

“That’s the spirit! Look, I can make them blink even faster…”

“Turn them off now!”

“Okay fine, there.”

“That’s better but the answer is still no. I’m not buying anymore lights.”

“What am I going to do about the tree?”

“Use your imagination.”

“Okay.”

“On second thought, don’t do that. I’ll bring home more lights tomorrow.”

“Yay, thank-you sir!”

*grumbles*

*giggles*

Limits

Luna: “Alex, don’t go.”

“Why not, Asa is here to pick you up.”

“I know and I don’t want to be alone with him.”

“Why not.”

“I accidentally kind of pissed him off yesterday.”

“Accidentally, my ass. I’m not going to feel sorry for you Luna, you piss him off on purpose.”

“No I don’t.”

“Yes you do, you do it for attention.”

“Well maybe I kind of like his attention.”

“Good, because he’s here to pick you up.”

“Aw, come on. You’re not going to feed poor little Luna to the big bad wolf now, are you?”

“Yes I am. Learn your lesson. ”

“Fine. I can handle Asa.”

“Good luck but be careful Luna. Men have limits and that fucker would probably kill you for testing his on the wrong day.”

Asa: “He’s right Luna, I would. Get in the car.”

Alex: “See you later, Princess.”

Gullible

Luna: “Sir, why are we at a bank?”

Asa : “Shut up and stay by my side.”

“Must be where rich people keep their money. It’s fancy.”

“I said be quiet.”

“Oh my god! Are you here to rob the place?”

“Fuck yes and I thought it’d be a fantastic idea to bring you along.”

“I sense a little sarcasm.”

“For the last time, shut the fuck up!”

“I will after you tell me why we’re here.”

“Fine, I have a job for you. Go to the ladies room and count the cameras, then come back and tell me where they are.”

“Oh my god, you ARE going to rob the place! Holy shit and you want me to help. That is so cool.”

“Go, god dammit!”

“Okay okay okay. I’ll be right back and you won’t be disappointed, sir!”

“You’re so damn gullible.”

“What did you call me?”

“Loveable, so damn loveable.”

“That’s what I thought.”

Breakfast is Served

Michael: “Anyone seen Luna?”

Alex: “Yes, I saw her about an hour ago, she came looking for the newspaper.”

Jordon: “I saw her a half hour ago, bitch stole my lighter.”

Asa: “I saw her ten minutes ago boss, she was headed for the kitchen… said she couldn’t get the oven to start, wanted to make you breakfast.”

Michael: “Lucky fucking me.”