Wednesday, December 24, 2014



“Luna, what the hell are you doing?”

“Playing with these stupid dolls.”

“Those aren’t dolls. That’s a nativity scene now put everything back the way you found it.”

“Whatever. There you go.”

“That’s not even close, little missy.”

“I don’t remember how they went!”

“Fine, I’ll help you. Where’s the baby Jesus?”

“You mean this little guy?”

“Luna, what was he doing in your purse?”

“Kids are good for ransom money. So I hear.”

“You’ve been hanging out with Asa too much. Where’s the virgin Mary?”

“Right here.”

“Luna, untie her! You’ve definitely been hanging out with Asa too much. That’s better now put her next to Joseph.”


“Joseph, dammit!”

“Settle down. You’re losing your holiday spirit.”

“Put her beside him please, not on top.”

“This is boring.”

“Just give it here. There, that’s how you set up a proper nativity, Luna. Now let’s get out of here before someone sees us.”

“You’re no fun. Hey, why don’t we have a nativity scene at our place!”

“Due to some very smart thinking on someone’s part, Luna. That’s why.”

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

The Chair

Alex to Michael:

“What on earth is that?”

“Luna made it in wood shop. She gave it to me for christmas.”

“Okay but what the hell is it.”

“According to her, a chair.”

“Oh my.”

“Yes, I know.”

“It doesn’t look comfortable.”

“Not unless you’re into that kind of thing.”

“Bless her heart for trying.”

“She made you one too.”


Wednesday, December 10, 2014


Michael to Luna: 

“Come here and take off that silly hat. What did you do all day?”


“I can believe it. What’s for dinner?”


“You forgot to make something, didn’t you.”

“No. I planned on candy.”

“Dammit Luna! I’m hungry.”

“Want a cupcake?”

“Give it here, so I can squish it in your face.”

“No, sheesh! That’s not very nice.”

“Don’t eat the cupcake.”


“You’re not supposed to have sweets before dinner.”

“Oh wow, someone’s not listening.”

“Give it here!”

“Hey! Give that back.”


“Bon appetit.”

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

The Night Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house,
No one could sleep because Luna was soused.

Her stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
Along with some of her underwear.

While most other children were snug in their bed,
Luna was up causing trouble instead.

Ma in her kerchief and me in my cap,
We locked the door in case she attacked.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
Oh dear god, it’s her with a ladder.

So away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

The moon on her breasts that were covered in snow,
Had me transfixed on the objects below.

Then what to my wondering eyes did appear,
The lights of a Jaguar speeding near.

With an angry driver, so livid and pissed,
Under my breath I whispered, oh shit.

Like a rabid dog, the wicked man came.
He whistled and shouted and called Luna names.

God dammit, stop dancing and prancing  you vixen!
Come here you psycho, problematic and blitzed one.

But to the top of the porch, to the top of the wall,
She dashed and she flashed her ass for yea all.

As leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
Her skirt went airborne in the windy night sky.

Up to the rooftop the little one flew,
She kicked down the ladder and laughed at the dude.

Then in a twinkling, I heard on the roof,
The familiar click of her high heeled shoes.

As I drew in my head and was turning around,
Down the chimney Luna came with a bound.

She was dressed in furs from head to foot,
And her clothes were tarnished with ashes and soot.

The bag full of liquor she flung on her back,
Was all for her, I found that out fast.

Her eyes how they twinkled, her dimples how merry.
Her cheeks were filled with cocktail cherries.

On top of her head was a cute little bow,
To hide the horns that were growing below.

The stump of a pipe she held in her teeth,
It made her cough so she set down her weed.

She had a nice rack and showed off her belly,
She bounced around and it woke up my willy.

Chubby and plump this horny old elf,
Started to drool in spite of myself.

With a wink of an eye and a tilt of her head,
She subtly stole my last bottle of red.

She spoke not a word but went straight to work,
Stealing more things like my pants and my shirt.

Laying her finger to the side of her nose,
She gave a nod and up the chimney she rose.

She sprang to a tree and to the jerk gave a whistle.
He wrestled her down with the charm of a thistle.

Then I heard her exclaim as they drove out of sight.
Merry Christmas to me and to me all a good night.

Sunday, November 23, 2014


Luna talked to the stars from her window,
Alex listened nearby.
She told them she’d been good today,
But he knew it was a lie.

Saturday, November 15, 2014

The Soprano

Asa to Alex:

“What the hell is that noise?”

“It’s Luna. She’s drunk again, out on the balcony singing opera.”

“Make her stop.”

“You. I think it’s funny.”

“It’s embarrassing.”

“She’s actually pretty good at it.”

“She is not, you fuckball!”

“Did you know she could sing in Italian?”

“That is not Italian.”

“Whatever. I love it when she pisses you off.”

“I’m putting a stop to this.”

“Great, so what’s stopping you?”

“The sword and viking helmet.”

Key Lime Turkey Pie


“Luna, what are you doing?”

“Stuffing a turkey.”

“With what, dare I ask?”

“It’s a surprise.”

“I don’t like your kitchen surprises.”

“You don’t like any of my surprises, sir.”

“No, I don’t. Just promise me you’ll be careful, okay? I got to go. I’m late for a meeting.”

“I hate your stupid meetings.”

“I know you do.”

“Stay home then.”

“I wish I could but I can’t.”


 “Where are my keys? They were sitting right here.”

“Not sure. Move so I can put this bitch in the oven.”

“You stop.”

“It’s kind of heavy, sir.”

“Luna, where are my keys?”


Monday, November 10, 2014

Bad Day


“Hi Luna,
I heard you had a bad day.
Sorry sweetheart,
Tomorrow will be better.
You’ll see.

Want to talk about it?
Okay then.
Could you at least do me a favor and stop throwing darts?
Aim at the board then.
That’s better.
Kind of.

So, tell me what happened.
Did someone make you mad?
Who was it.
It was me?
That’s absurd!

Hey, let go of my tie.
Let go of my tie, hon.
Come on now, let go.

What did I do to make you mad?

Well in all fairness,
You were going to get in trouble anyway,
And I just wanted to watch.

Give me those darts.
And for the last time, let go of my tie.

God, you’ve got one hell of a grip.
Think I'll get out of here before you grab something else.

Saturday, November 1, 2014

My Apologies


“Hello Luna.
I read your apology letter to the school board.
You spelled cock sucker wrong.
And there’s no need to hyphenate mother fuckers.
What were you thinking.
Oh and for future reference, the gentleman’s name is Peter.
Simply Peter.
Unfortunately the school board read your letter before I did.
Michael is waiting for you downstairs.
You’re on your own, little missy.
Or is ‘Little Miss Luna Bitch to You Wrinkled Assholes’ your official new title.
Thanks for the bird, sunshine.

Talk later.”

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Public Indecency


“Luna, I don’t know how you got a hold of a squirt gun but put that away.
I said, put it away!
That’s not funny and you’re going to pay for that.
Cut it out, god dammit!
That’s it. I’ll take that, thank-you.
Ha! Not so funny now, is it.
What’s wrong, don’t you trust me?
Whoops, sorry.
Itchy trigger finger.
There it goes again! 
Ha! Right in the forehead.
You know, I kind of like this thing.
Hey, give it back.
Luna, I said give it back.
Luna, you’ve got one last chance to give that back or I’m going to…
Not in the crotch, god dammit!
You’re in deep shit when we get home.
Oh hello, ma’am.
Yes, we’re ready to order.”

Friday, October 17, 2014



“Luna, what are you doing?”

“Swatting flies.”

“With a frying pan?”

“You got a better idea?”

“Use a flyswatter.”

“Duh, what do you think this is.”

“Dammit! Take it easy on the countertops.”

“Missed him.”

“Imagine that.”

“There’s one on the fridge.”

“Luna, that’s going to leave a mark.”


“Oh my god…”

“Hold still. There’s one on your shoulder.”

“Don’t you dare!”

“Drat! You scared it away.”

“Give that here.”

“But I’m not done yet.”

"I think you are.”



“I’ll just go back to using a knife then.”



“Get out of the kitchen.”

Sunday, October 12, 2014


Luna gave Asa the silent treatment.
It was the best two minutes of his life.

Monday, October 6, 2014

Public Appearance


“It’s awfully quiet in here.
Where’s Luna?
What do you mean, you don’t know.
God, what’s that smell.
Fuck that’s terrible.
Follow it.
Hurry up and find her.
There she is, lighting stink bombs.
Should’ve guessed.
Whose idea was it to bring her, anyway.
That’s not the point.
Grab her and let’s go,
Jesus christ.”


He stared at her
She looked away 
He tried to light her dress.
She figured it out
And kicked his leg
Then fussed with the lace 
That was left.

Monday, September 15, 2014

Master Chef

Asa to Luna:

“What the hell are you doing?”

“I’m baking cookies!”

“Luna, give me the torch.”

“No wait.”

“Give me the torch, Luna.”

“No, god dammit!”

“Luna, the counter’s on fire!”

“Okay, they’re done then.”

“Jesus christ.”

Friday, September 12, 2014


Alex to Asa:

“Where is Luna?”

“Over there shaking her pompoms.”

“Oh, that’s embarrassing. Someone should stop her.”

“Hey, you’re the one that gave them to her.”

“I did not!”

“Weird. I wonder where she got them then.”

“I’m guessing from the angry cheerleader behind her.”

“Fuck, he looks mad.”

“He looks really mad.”

“I got my money on Luna. She likes her pompoms.”

“I got my money on him, since he just took them away.”

“That ain’t gonna go over well.”

“It appears she’s getting a little lippy.”

“Oh fuck! I can’t believe he just shoved one in her mouth and left.”

“She looks pissed but somewhat proud.”

“I told you she likes her pompoms.”

Thursday, September 4, 2014



“What babe.”

“Have you ever killed anyone you didn’t mean to?”

“No, why.”

“Just wondering.”

“I meant to do it. If that’s what you’re asking.”

“He seemed nice.”

“Shut up and finish your dinner.”


Monday, September 1, 2014

Fair Trade

Dear Diary,

Went to the fair today! It was fun but I kept getting into trouble. Sometimes not on purpose. The cotton candy was humongous, way bigger than my face. Papa got mad when I got it in my hair and all over a few other people. He finally took it away.

I liked the rides! Got in trouble for screaming. Apparently you’re supposed to wait til it starts and I guess no one else does it on the ferris wheel.

Papa said I wasn’t allowed on the carousel. Said I wasn’t mature enough. I just wanted it to go faster last time and might've got carried away announcing it.

They had animals there, all different kinds. I wanted to take all of them home but papa said no. Actually he said, hell no you crazy damn child now get the fuck out of that goat enclosure. So I did. The silly farmer wanted to take me home. It took longer than expected but papa said no again.

The clowns were my favorite, tall as the sky! One of them gave me a big clown nose, he stuck it on my face. I laughed and laughed but papa didn’t think it was funny. I called him a grumpy old bastard and he shoved it in my mouth. That, he thought was funny.

I still have it. Going to wear it first thing in the morning and wake him up to see what happens. I can’t wait! I’ll tell you all about it if he doesn’t tether me to a tree for a week. It wasn’t very nice of the farmer to give him that idea. Hey, I wonder if he’s noticed he’s missing a rooster yet. Hmm.

Well, goodnight!


Sunday, August 24, 2014

The Bridge

Luna and Asa:

“It’s cold but the fog is pretty. Don’t you think?”

“Walk faster, Luna.”

“But I like this bridge. Too bad we can barely see the ocean, thanks to the stupid fog.”

“Watch where you’re going.”

“I didn’t see them there.”


“So why are we in this weird little town, anyway.”

“You don’t need to know.”

“Are you here to kill somebody, threaten them or just to rough them up.”

“Shut up and listen. Up ahead is an apartment and we’re going inside. No one there knows English so keep to yourself. I have a feeling this won’t take very long.”

“I’d rather stay here and play on the bridge.”

“No more talking, female.”

“Blah blah blah blah blah.”

“You really want to be a smartass right now?”

“Not while we’re still on the bridge.”

“Good answer.”

Friday, August 22, 2014



“Luna, wake up.
I don’t appreciate when you run off like that.
I’ve been looking all over for you.
Sit up. 
Look at me.
Luna, if you ever do that again I’m going to…
Hey, don’t interrupt me.
I said don’t interrupt me.
Don’t repeat everything I say either.
Stop it.
Cut it out.
Don’t swear at me.
Or flip me off, god dammit!
What the hell is wrong with you?
You know what, go back to sleep.
You heard me.
Go back to sleep.
I’ll deal with you later.
No, you can’t have a pillow.
Why not?
Because you’re in the library.
Yes, you are.
Yes you are, Luna.
Yes, you…
You know what? 
Just zip it and go back to sleep.

Saturday, July 26, 2014



“Hi there.
You got a room for the night?
It’s just me.
I don’t mind if the tv’s broke,
I just want a room, please.
No, I don’t want to stay at your place.
Never mind.
I’ll go somewhere else.
Hey, let go!
I’m not a whore.
Let go, I’m serious!
Oh my god,
He’s been shot.
Someone fucking shot him!
What the fuck…



God I hate that girl.
She’s been nothing but trouble.
I do everything for her.
But she doesn’t care.
Fucking another guy while I’m gone.
And I pay that fucker to take care of her.
He took care of her alright.
No surprise.
She’s a whore.
Let him have her. 
Asa won’t stand for it.
Good luck.
And may the stupidest man win.

Thursday, July 24, 2014



“Sneaky little bitch. 
I see you, 
Creeping around in disguise.
But I’m smarter than you.
And when the time is right,
I’ll take you back,
To the mansion 
Where you belong.”



I got passed the guards and made it downtown, now what.
I wonder if Alex will come looking for me.
I hope so.
I hope he finds me before Asa does.
I bet Asa is pissed.
I should hide.
I need a disguise.
A wig store, no way.
How cool is that.
I’ll buy new clothes too,
And no one will find me unless I want them to. 
Good thing I stole a bunch of cash.
I’m so fucking clever it’s ridiculous.
I should probably put it away, though.
Oh, where the fuck is Alex?
I hope he finds me, soon.
I’m not used to being in the city.
And I never wanted to be alone.



“Dammit Luna!
The last thing I wanted to do today, 
Was to walk in on you, 
Going down on your tutor.
But guess what happened, anyway.
Don’t look at the floor.
Look at me and tell me what you were thinking!
Shut up.
I don’t want to hear it.
I knew something was going on between you two.
Well, I hope it was worth it because that fucker is fired.
Don’t tell me you’re sorry.
And how dare you say this was my fault.
You little tramp.
You’re going to regret this.
Hey, where are you going?
I’m not done talking to you.
Get back here!
Someone stop her!



“Is that a gun?”


“Luna, what the hell are you doing with a gun?”


“Give it here.”


“God dammit! Where did you get that from?”

“Stole it from Asa.”


“To piss him off.”

“Oh, Jesus.”

“I bet he’s figured it out by now.”

“What the hell is wrong with you?”

“He’s probably on his way over.”


“Ha! Someone’s knocking on the door.”

“Oh, great.”

“Answer it!”

“Why do you play these stupid little games?”

“I like it when he chases me.”

“Well the chase is over now, my dear.”

“Just answer the door.”

“Hello Asa.”

“Where the fuck is Luna?”

“What do you mean where is she? She’s...”

“She’s what.”

“God dammit.”

Sunday, July 13, 2014


Luna to Alex:

“Want a strawberry?”

“Put it down. We need to talk.”

“What’s up?”

“Michael approached me today.”


“He’s been watching us and he’s not very happy.”

“Sure you don’t want one?”

“I’m sure. Cut it out, this is serious.”

“Papa’s always mad at me, it’s no big deal.”

“He thinks we’re getting too close.”

“Does that mean I should get off your lap?”

“It’d be a good idea.”

“Then you’ll have to let go of my knee.”


“And my hand.”

“Fine. There you are, free to go.”

“I’m fine right here.”

“You’re going to get me in trouble, sweetheart.”

“It’s the last strawberry. I think you should have it.”

“Just eat it then get off my lap, okay?”

“If you say so.”



“Eat it slower, please.”

Friday, July 11, 2014

Shoe In


“Hi, papa! I found a cool pair of shoes today. Can I have them?”

“That depends, are they appropriate for school?”

“Of course.”

“Do they have heels?”


“Are they expensive?”


“Are they durable?”

“Oh yes, very.”

“Do they have cleats?”



“Can I have them?”


“Oh, come on!”

“What on earth do you need a pair of cleats for?”

“So I can run real fast.”

“I don’t like the sounds of that.”

“And for kicking people.”

“Or that!”

“Dammit, I want those fucking shoes!”

“You watch your mouth!”

“No, YOU watch your mouth.”


“Okay fine! I'll watch my mouth.”

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Behavior Issues


“Luna sure looks happy tonight,
Playing cards with Alex.
I should spend more time with her.
Guess it doesn’t matter,
As long as she’s happy.
I wish he wouldn’t play with her hair.
It’s really not necessary.
What’s this?
Now he’s holding her hand?
That’s right, you better let go.
Something’s going on,
And I don’t like it.
I’m going to put a stop to this.
Fuck, my phone is ringing.
I’ve got to take it,
It’s important.
Better do so in private.
Don’t need Luna finding out about this little peach.
But I’m still going to have a talk with her later,
About her suggestive behavior.”

Monday, June 30, 2014

Morning, Sunshine


“Put some clothes on we got to go.”


“Just do it!”

“Fine, hand me my shirt then.”

“Get it yourself.”

“You’re sitting on it, asshole.”

“Watch your mouth!”

“Are you going to give it to me or not.”

“Fuck. Here you go, you little bitch.”

“Hey, you ripped it!”

“Shut up and put it on.”

“How am I supposed to…”

“I said, put it on!”

“Okay, okay! It’s on already.”

“Now grab your purse and go sit in the car.”


“And take this gun with you.”


“And point it at anyone that tries to talk to you.”

“I don’t want to go to the car.”


“God dammit! Fine. But you owe me a new shirt, you fucking…”

“Don’t say it, Luna.”


“That's right, you better run! Mouthy bitch, pretending like I won't catch up.”

Tuesday, June 24, 2014



“Where the fuck is Luna?
I hate it when she runs off.
There she is, getting man-handled.
Where’s my gun.
I’ll probably get in trouble for this but I don’t care.
Direct hit.
Someone grab Luna and let’s go.
Fuck yeah.
Stupid mother fucker.”

Saturday, June 21, 2014

Yoo Hoo!


“Hold on there, Luna! Where are you off to so fast?”

“You got to let me go. Asa’s chasing me.”

“Uh-oh. What did you do now?”

“Can’t talk, got to run!”

“Hello Asa.”

“Where is she?”

“She went that way.”


“Okay, she went that way then.”

“You’re no fucking help.”


“Yoo hoo! Asa, I’m over here.”

“Come here you little bitch!”

“Oh, for christ’s sake. Why do I even bother.”

Sunday, June 15, 2014

Wood Shop


“Mister Hansen!
I’d like you to meet Luna.
She’s going to be in your woodworking class this year.
And I’d like to go over a few rules just for her.
First of all, don’t let her use any saws.
Only glue but not the super kind.
No power tools,
Especially if they shoot things.
And no sand paper,
Don’t ask.
No welding or anything else that involves a torch.
And no paint unless you want your office redone.
She’s short but don’t underestimate her reach,
She’ll have your shirt unbuttoned in no time.
That wasn’t a figure of speech.
I expect her to wear a hardhat and safety glasses, 
At all times.
You know maybe the whole class should wear them.
All the time.
Say hi to Mr. Hansen, Luna.
With all five fingers.
That’s better.
Well good luck, sir!
I guess we’ll see you around.”

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Garden Party


“Pretty afternoon for a party.
Wonder where Luna is.
Caught a glimpse of her back at the house, 
Dancing around in her sundress.
Pretty girl.
There she is, down by the fountain.
Playing in the water.
I should go tell her to stop.
On second thought, 
She’d probably get me wet.
I’ll whistle instead,
And get her to come over here.
Well, that didn’t work.
Everyone looked over but her.
Lost in her own little world.
Who’s this guy,
That’s brought her a pretty flower.
I should go punch him in the face.
I should get a grip!
What’s wrong with me.
Can’t help it.
That girl brings out the worst in me, sometimes.
Look, she’s smiling.
And she took his stupid flower.
I have to break this up.
Wait a minute, 
Asa’s beat me to it.
This ought to be good.
Well, he didn’t have to steal her flower.
Or throw it on the ground.
Uh-oh, he stomped on it.
That won’t go over well.
Oh, Luna don’t you dare…
I knew someone was going to get wet.
Run Luna, run!
Such a pretty day for a party.”

Friday, June 6, 2014

Officer Johnson


“Hi sexy, what’s your name?”

“Officer Johnson.”

“That’s an adorable name! I’d tell you mine but I forgot it.”

“Ma‘am, have you been drinking?”

“Hell yes! Alcohol and lots of it.”

“I hope you have a ride home.”

“I’d love a ride home, thank-you!”

“Ma’am, I don’t think you...” 

“Just show me your car.”

“It’s that one.”

“Ooooh fancy! I’ve been in one of these before…”

“Not surprised.”

“…and I liked it!”

“Oh god. Where’s my partner?”

“You’re gay? I love gay people! So, which one is he?”

“Ma’am, I don’t think you…”

“Don’t be shy, point him out.”

“That’s him.”

“Holy shit, he’s gorgeous!”

“Ma’am, I’m going to have to ask you to…”

“Say no more. I’ll take my hand off your ass.”


“It’s the handcuffs, they turn me on.”

“Can I have them back?”

“I suppose. If you can catch me!”

“Ma’am, wait! …Oh never mind, just keep them.”

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Bite Me

Asa to Luna:

“Hey, baby. Come here and sit on my lap.”

“But Michael’s in the other room.”

“You chicken?”


“That’s better.”

“What do you want, Asa.”

“A handful of this...”

“Fuck, your hands are cold.”

“Not any longer.”

“He’s coming, let me up.”


“Come on, let me go!”


“Fuck, I hate it when you do this.”

“Ouch, you little bitch!”

“Hello papa! I missed you.”

Friday, May 30, 2014

Night Life


“Fuck, I’m going to be in so much trouble.
Didn’t realize how late it was. 
I hate walking home in the dark.
Never know when Asa’s going to sneak up on me.
He loves to do that.
What a prick.
What a sexy, fucking asshole of a prick.
Whoops, I almost tripped.
It’s getting hard to see, cold too.
Good thing I thought to grab a sweater.
I remember the last time I wore this one.
Asa came up from behind me and pulled it over my head.
He wouldn’t let me go forever.
God dammit, not again!
Fuck, will I never learn.
I hope this is Asa, anyway.
That would be awkward.
Oh my! Yup, that’s him. 
Carry on.”

Thursday, May 29, 2014



“So, so, so, so, so.
Caught you red-handed.
Put it down, Luna.
Strike three.
Your ass is mine, now.
And it’s going to be red.
Like the lines on your wrist.
And the stripes I lay all over your…
Oh, hey Alex.
What do you want.
Take her.
I was just leaving.”

Tuesday, May 27, 2014



“Hi Luna.
Are you drunk? 
You look drunk.
That’s what I thought.
Here, let me help you inside.
Did you have fun at the party?
It was a little too loud for me.
What’s that?
You’re hungry.
Well, I have a bag of peanuts I was saving for later but here.
Honey, you have to shell them first.
Spit it out.
Oh jesus.
Here, let me help you.
What happened to your knee?
You don’t remember.
Maybe you shouldn’t drink so much then.
Don’t look at me like that.
It was just a suggestion.
Here, stick some peanuts in your mouth.
Calm down.
Geez, never mind.
As long as you’re having fun.
Did you run into Asa tonight?
I hate that prick.
Honey, what are you doing?
You’re tired.
I bet you are but you can’t fall asleep on my lap.
I’m serious, hon.
Oh dear.
She’s not cooperating.
And… she’s no longer coherent.
Maybe I shouldn’t drink so much.
It’s getting hard to carry her home.

Sunday, May 25, 2014



“Come here, woman.”

“Ouch, let go of my hair!”

“You’re in big trouble.”


“You stole my jacket.”

“Did not, I found it.”

“In my closet?”


“God dammit, I’ve told you this before. Leave my shit alone!”

“But I missed you.”

“Write a letter.”

“I wanted to smell you.”

“My clothes are expensive. Don’t touch them!”

“Oh no, look at me. I’m touching your clothes, as we speak.”

“Smart ass.”

“Ow, give me my finger back.”


“I’m sorry you’re an asshole.”

“Dammit, woman.”

“Hey, put me down!”

“Where’s my jacket?”

“Put me down and I’ll go get it.”

“Where is it?”

“I left it outside on the fence.”

“You mean out in the pouring rain.”

“You should put me down faster so I can go get it.”

“It’s ruined, you little bitch!”


“Go get it.”

“You’re going to lock me out, aren’t you.”


“Okay, bye!”

Garden Variety

“Hi Papa! Do you like my new sundress?”

“Turn around so I can see it.”

“It goes real high if I spin around fast!”

“I can see that.”

“I picked it out just for you.”

“It’s lovely, dear. Especially when you hold it over your head like that.”

“Do you like the color?”

“Of course. You look perfect in pink.”

“It’s fuchsia, technically.”

“Um, okay.”

“So. Do you like my new sandals?”

“I’m not a fan of the plastic flowers.”

“I’ll kick them off then. Don’t need sandals anyway.”

“Where are you going, now?”

“Out to the garden.”

“What for?”

“To put real flowers in between my toes.”

“Fine but hurry back.”


“So I can tend to the flowers on your panties.”

Friday, May 23, 2014



“You look bored, Luna.”

“I am.”

“What would you like to do?”

“I know! Let’s watch a porno.”


“I stole one from Asa but haven’t watched it yet.”

“I can only imagine what’s on it, being his.”

“No need to imagine, pressing play.”

“Please don’t.”

“Whoops! Too late.”

“Give me the remote. I’m not watching this.”

“Fine, here.”

“It doesn’t work, Luna. Seems to be missing its batteries.”

“Gosh, that’s weird.”

“Wait a minute… I recognize her!”


“The girl on the video. I know her from somewhere.”

“The one with the dick in her hand or the one with a dick up the…”

“Yes! The one with the… the first one, Luna.”


“I think I dated her in college but I can’t remember her name.”

“Well, according to the cover her name is Sassy, she is classy and likes it up the…”

“IT IS HER! I recognize that mole on her ass.”

“She looks stupid.”

“Now you’re jealous.”

“I’m not jealous. She’s a skank.” 

“A what?”

“A skank! Gross, look. Jesus, even I won’t do what she’s doing now.”

“Bet I could talk you into it.”

“What? No way.”

“I could get you to cave. Have you folding like a lawn chair.”

“Nu-uh! That’s gross.”

“Listen to you, acting like you have standards.”

“That’s it. I’m turning it off.”

“Hey! That’s not fair.”

“Screw you.”

“At least let me keep the tape.”



“Dammit, Luna.”

“Oh, hi Asa! Found something of yours. Catch!”

Wednesday, May 21, 2014


Alex:  “Where’s Luna?”

Michael: “Upstairs in her room. She’s grounded.”

“Oh dear. What happened?”

“She got a little mouthy and I won’t put up with it.”

“She should know better.”

“Damn right! You don’t put up with it, do you?”


“Knock it off. That girl steps out of line every chance she gets. So, tell me why you’re here.”

“I came to talk to Luna.”


“She got in my briefcase earlier.”


“And filled it with tuna fish.”


“I’m guessing because I wouldn’t take her to the aquarium.”


“You don’t need to call her down here. I’ll take care of it later.”

“Luna, get the fuck down here!”

“I should go.”

“Stay. Let me show how to deal with this one in the future.”

“Someone’s at the door.”

“Answer it then, I don’t have time. Luna, god dammit! I’m talking to you!”

“It’s Luna, sir. It appears she locked herself out in the rain.”

“You’re kidding me.”

“I see her through the keyhole. She’s flipping me off but I think it’s meant for you.”

“You better leave out the back door, I got this. Don’t need you getting any ideas on how to handle this one in the future.”

Sunday, May 18, 2014


Caught in the pouring rain, Luna fussed with her keys but none of them opened the door. She banged and yelled but no one answered, she finally rang the bell. 

Michael opened the door but he wouldn’t let her in. They had an argument earlier and she ran away from home. “If you ever leave again,” he said, “you won’t be welcome back.” 

She kicked his shin and tried to get by but Michael grabbed a hold. He used her head to open the door then took his girl inside.

Saturday, May 17, 2014


Michael:  “Will one of you go find Luna, I don’t trust her at a party like this.”

Asa:  “I see her, boss. She’s over there, making out with a lamp in the corner.”

Alex:  “Christ, how embarrassing. I’ll go get her.”

Asa:  “She stopped. Some guy is talking to her now.”

Michael:  “Who, do you recognize him?”

Alex: “Not I.”

Asa:  “Me neither.”

Alex:  “He seems harmless.”

Asa:  “Then he’s probably a cop, you stupid prick.”

Alex:  “He’s not a cop. What the fuck is wrong with you? You paranoid pansy.”

Michael:  “Both of you shut up and one of you go get her.”

Asa:  “Where did she go?”

Alex:  “I see her.  She’s on the floor unplugging the lamp.”

Asa:  “What for?”

Alex:  “Oh Jesus!”

Asa:  “That had to hurt.”

Alex:  “Wonder what that guy said to piss her off.”

Asa:  He probably told her he was a cop, idiot.”

Alex:  “Oh fuck off! Seriously.”

Michael:  “For the last time, will one of you go get her!”

Asa:  “It’s okay boss, she’s headed this way.”

Michael:  “Thank god.” 

Alex:  “Is she really bringing the lamp with her?”

Asa:  “That’s weird.”

Michael:  “Very weird.”

Asa:  “Fuck, I’m out of here.”

Alex:  “Me too.”

Michael:  “Pansies.”