Thursday, June 4, 2015

Dear Abby


“Luna, what are you doing?”

“Setting the table.”

“You’re not just stabbing it with utensils again, are you?”


“Knock it off.”

“Almost done.”

Friday, May 29, 2015

Pretty Pretty Please

God dammit.

Maybe I should’ve put on shoes before coming out here to spy on Asa.
Where’d he go anyway.

Ah, there he is and I thought so.
He brought that skank home from the party.
That is disgusting.

Damn shrub.
Stop poking me in the ass.
I'm not in the mood. 

Oh my god.
I think he just saw me.
Hold still, hold very fucking still.

That was close.
Guess I should’ve worn something darker.
And a pair of shoes. 

Oh gross.
They’re laughing.
She’s not funny, you asshole!
You’re just horny.

I was at the party.
You’ve should’ve paid attention to me.
But you didn’t and now you have to pay.

Damn shrub!
I told you to stop poking me in the…

Alex is behind me.
I am so busted.

Hold still, hold very fucking still.
Maybe he doesn’t see me.

He’s picking leaves out of my hair now.
I think he sees me.

Alright, alright! 
I’ll go back inside but I forgot my shoes.
Carry me, please?

Pretty please? 

Pretty, pretty please? 


Monday, May 25, 2015

Fashion Police

Luna to Michael:

“Papa, I want a mohawk.”


“Why not?”

“It isn’t lady like.”

“Well, neither am I.”

“And it’d be dangerous.”

“What do you mean?”

“Luna if you had spiky hair, you’d be running around stabbing people with it and you know it.”


“Popping children’s balloons.”

“That’d be funny.”

“And slashing car tires.”

“Ooh, I never thought of that.”

“The answer is no.”

“Oh, come on! All I wanted to do was to store fruit up there.”


“Like fruit kabobs.”

“The answer is no.”

“God dammit, you’re no fun.”

Saturday, May 23, 2015


Luna to Asa:



“Stop pulling my hair.”


“Knock it off!”

“I thought you liked it when I pull your hair.”

“I do.”

“Alright then.”

“God dammit! I said cut it out.”

“Don't yell when we're in public.”

Sunday, May 17, 2015

Downtown III

Taxi Headquarters:

“A call just came in, you've got to go pick up a young girl from fourth and main.”

“It isn’t that Luna girl again, is it?”

“Could be.”

“Last time I drove her somewhere I had to clean lipstick off all the windows.”

“At least she used lipstick on your car. She used nail polish on mine.”

“I don’t want to go pick her up!”

“Hold on, there’s another call coming in.”

“Oh lord. Please tell me she’s cancelled.”

“It’s your lucky day. She cancelled.”


“I guess the sergeant picked her up.”

Downtown II

Alex to Asa:

“Luna just called from a payphone. You've got to go pick her up.”

“Where the hell is she?”

“Downtown fourth and main, again.”

“You go pick her up. I just got my car back from the shop.”

“What happened?”

“She lit a brick of lady fingers and put it in the glove box.”

 “Hey, at least you got your car back at all.”

“Divers didn’t have any luck then?”



“So go pick her up.”

“Fuck that. I’m calling her a cab.”

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Downtown I

Two Cops:

“Damn, I can’t believe we picked up Luna again.”

“I can. That bitch is crazy.”

“Go ahead and put her in your car.”

“No way, man. Put her in yours.

“Fuck that. The last time I did she set it on fire.”

“Oh yeah? Well she threw up in mine.”

“I hear the sergeant’s been banging her in his car.”

“Lucky bastard.”

“No shit.”

“Maybe we should just let her go.”

“I like that idea.”

“You know, in the interest of public safety.”

“I’d feel safer.”

“Yup, me too.”

“Are you going to get your handcuffs back?”

“It doesn't look like it.”

“She’s admiring them, isn't she.”


“See you back at the station.”

Tuesday, May 5, 2015

Room Freshener

Asa to Alex: 

“Why is Luna mopping the floor?”
“According to her, she’s cleaning.”
“She’s spreading vodka around again, isn’t she.”

Monday, May 4, 2015

Conversation Skills

Luna to Michael:  

“Your hands are rough.”

“That’s because I work really hard, Luna.”

“I like them that way!”

“That’s nice.”

“Especially when they get snagged on my panties.”

“Luna, I don’t think this appropriate conversation in front of our dinner guests. Okay?”



Guest:  “Anyone up for poker?”

Luna:  “Okay but I’m not really sure how to play. I only know how to do the stripping part.”

Michael:  “Poker is definitely out of the question.”

“What about Twister?”




“Go Fish.”


“I’d rather play pool.”

“That could be fun.”

“Good cuz I can throw the balls really hard now!”

“Pool is definitely out of the question.”

“Dammit! You're no fun.” 

Thursday, April 30, 2015

Music Box Dancer

Alex to Asa: 

“Where’s Luna?”

“Michael locked her in her room.”

“Uh-oh. Why?”

“For chasing down an ice cream truck.”

“That’s nothing new.”

“With a hammer.”

“Oh dear.”

“Apparently, she didn’t like the song that was playing.”


“She took care of it though.”

“I bet she did.”

“That’s not all.”

“Oh god. What else?”

“She took it for a spin.”

“She what!”

“Then brought it back here.”

“Where the fuck did she park it?”

“In the garage.”


“The doors were still down but she got it in the garage.”

“Are you serious?”


“I bet Michael is so pissed.”

“I can hear him nailing her door shut, as we speak.”

“Hey, well at least he got his hammer back.”

Monday, April 13, 2015

Extra Sharp

Alex:  Luna, what are you doing?

Luna:  Cutting off a slice of cheese.

Alex:  Why are you using a butter knife?

Luna:  Because papa hid all the other ones.

Alex:  Can’t blame him for that. Here, let me help you.

Luna:  No. I can do it.

Alex:  Come on, you’re scaring me.

Luna:  I got this!

Alex:  I don’t think you do.

Luna:  Check it out, it’s almost working…

Alex:  Great. Now it’s on the floor.

Luna:  Dammit.

Alex:  Now what are you going to do?

Luna:  Eat the whole thing.

Alex:  Please don’t take a bite out of the block.

Luna:  *does anyway*

Alex:  Luna, that’s terrible. Where are your manners?

Luna:  Next to the really sharp knives somewhere.

Alex:  Well, bon appetit little mouse because I’m taking the butter knives too.

Hell's Angel

Michael:  Asa, did you teach Luna how to ride a motorcycle?

Asa: Maybe.

Michael:  Did you tell her to drive over to Alex’s place?

Asa:  It's possible.

Michael:  And to park it inside?

Asa:  My memory is a little fuzzy there.

Michael:  She said you told her to rev it up so loud it breaks the fucking windows.

Asa:  I totally remember that.

Michael:  Dammit Asa! You owe me for some fucking windows.

Asa:  Hahaha! Nice.

Michael:  You know she’s probably headed back over to your place, you asshole.

Asa:  Shit. I got to go.

Thursday, April 9, 2015

Baked Begonias


“Luna, where are you going with all those flowers?”

“To the kitchen.”

“Please don’t put them in the oven again, okay?”

“Why not?”


“I won’t turn them on broil again.”


“And I won’t forget about them again this time, either.”


“Dammit! You’re no fun.”

“Go back outside.”

“Well at least let me put them in a vase.”


“So I can put them on a burner.”

“Luna, get out!”

“Dammit! Fine.”

Saturday, April 4, 2015

Basket Case

Asa to Alex:

“What the fuck are you watching?”

“The news.”

“Give me the remote. That shit is stupid.”


“Whoa, wait. Is that Luna?”

“Oh my god. I think it is.”

“What the hell is she doing at an Easter egg hunt?”

“I think she’s dressed as a bunny!”

“Yeah but not the Easter bunny.”

“Oh my god.”

“I bought her that outfit.”

“You idiot, go pick her up!”

“Why me?”

“Because you bought her that, you asshole.”

“Fair enough… and my pleasure.”

Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Eye Candy

Luna to Asa:

“Oh dear lord, would you look at that.”

“Shut up Luna.”

“But he’s hot!”

“I said shut up.”

“Can’t help it. Never seen such a fine ass.”

“I don’t want to hear this shit.”

“You know, if you weren’t here I’d go over and talk to him.”

“I guess he owes me one then.”

“Fuck you.”

“Watch it, female.”

“Oh, I am. That I am.”

“This is your last chance, Luna. Knock it off!”

“Why should I?”

“Because if you don’t, I’ll go find out his name for myself.”

“Don’t do that.”

“And where he lives.”


“And we’ll have a little chat about you, him and I.”


“That’s right but look, your eyes back on me now. Where they belong.”

Thursday, February 26, 2015

Last Straw


"Luna, did I just catch you drinking that beer through a straw?
Cut it out.
I’ll tell you why.
Because first of all, we’re in public.
Second of all, you’re drunk enough already.
And third of all little lady, that is not your beer."

Thursday, February 19, 2015



Luna, get out of the car.
Come on.
You’re going to make us late.

I’m serious!
Wipe that frown off your face,
And let’s go.

Do I have to drag you out?
You know I will.

Have it your way.

Why do you always have to be so difficult?
Let go of the steering wheel.

God, you’ve got one hell of a grip.
But I happen to know you’re ticklish!

Did you just threaten to scream?

If you do, I’ll take you straight home.
But you’re going to be very happy about it.

Let go of the steering wheel.

Now hurry up and no biting this time.
Poor dentist.

Smile, honey.
And put away the matches.

Sunday, February 8, 2015

Coin Toss

Asa to Anthony:

“Where is Luna?”

“I don’t know. She asked for coins to toss in the fountain then went up the escalator.”

“That doesn’t make any sense, the fountain’s down here.”

“There she is! Throwing them down from the third floor.”

“Go get her.”

“Why? She’s not hurting anybody.”

“She won’t be aiming for the fountain much longer.”

“You called that one.”

“I can’t believe you lost track of her.”

“Poor people, look at them scatter.”

“Go get her!”

“Here she comes.”

“Thank god.”

“I think she’s being chased though.”

“Not anymore.”

“That had to hurt.”


“What, boss?”

“Next time you give Luna coins, break up the rolls.”

“Got it.”

Friday, January 30, 2015

Job Perks

Two guards:

“Dude, what’s up with Luna?”

“She’s in deep shit. Went off on Asa and he wasn’t having it. He kicked her out.”

“So she’s staring at us through the window?”


“That’s creepy, man.”

“She’s been there for hours.”

“So, where is Asa?”

“I don’t know but he left strict orders not to let her back in.”

“Oh come on, man. It’s cold outside!”

“No it’s not.”

“It is too. Look, she’s pressing her boobies against the glass just to keep them warm.”

“Don’t fall for it, dude.”

“Fine, I won’t let her back in.”

“Good thinking.”

“I’ll just go outside and talk to her.”

“Asa's going to kick your ass.”

“Asa ain’t here, man.”

“Actually, he's right behind you.”

Sunday, January 25, 2015

The Moth

Michael to Luna:

“Don’t touch that.”

“It’s just a candle.”

“It’s a lit candle.”

“It doesn’t hurt.”

“It’s going to.”


“Told you so.”

“That didn’t hurt.”

“Of course not.”

“Light it again?”



Wednesday, January 14, 2015



“Luna, wake up!

There’s a cop downstairs that wants to talk to you.
Mind telling me what is this is about?

Open your eyes, dammit.
Don’t make me stifle that snore with a pillow.

That’s better.
Now tell me why there’s a cop here.

What do you mean, you don’t know.
Damn right you should go talk to him.

Hey, put some clothes on first.

Luna, you can’t wear that.
Or that.

Okay fine. If it helps you get out of this mess.
Just put it on.

You buttoned it up wrong. 
Here, let me help you.


No, you can’t show any more tit than that.
Yes, I’m sure. Now get downstairs.

That’s weird...
He’s gone! 
I wonder why.

Oh, hi Asa.
That’ll explain it. 
Oh dear.

Okay Luna, go back to bed.

No you can’t, Luna.
No she can’t, Asa.

Button that back up, Luna.