Sunday, September 23, 2012

Security Detail


“So, Luna. You’re probably wondering why I brought you here, out in the middle of nowhere. The cactus looks killer in the moonlight don’t you think? It’s chilly though, shame I didn’t let you grab a jacket. Hey, don’t roll your eyes at me or you’ll find yourself in an even worse situation, and stop struggling. Your ropes are tight, it’ll only leave marks. Sit on the hood of my car bitch, right next to where you keyed it. Here, let me help you… there. Hey, sorry I tossed your shoes out but I noticed you run slower without them. What a tacky shade of red on your toenails. Someone should help you pick these things out. Too bad you’re such a bitch or you’d have friends. Just as well, you get in enough trouble without an accomplice. Which reminds me why we are here, Luna. You’ve been making my life fucking difficult lately and I don’t like it. At the party this weekend, I want you to keep your mouth shut and don’t talk to anyone. Play shy, feign sick, I don’t care but just stay next to Michael the entire fucking time. Got it? I don’t want to have to keep an eye on you. No walks, no sneaking out for a cigarette, just stay put in whatever chair he sits you in. I’m serious Luna, I want a break from you for one fucking night. So, have I got your attention? …Good, and you’re going to cooperate, right? …Good. Would you like the tape off your mouth now? …Tough shit. Hehehe, I’m so fucking funny. Hey, you’re starting to look really cold. I can tell by those nipples, nice. Hey don’t turn away from me female, you’re not in a position to decide what happens next. Calm down and deal with it.”

Friday, September 14, 2012

The Opera: Intermission

Alex and Luna in the foyer:

“Luna, what are you staring at?”

“That really hot guy over there.”

“Well, knock it off.”

“No. Hey move!”

“No. Luna, get off the floor!”

“No. I can see him from down here and I’m going to stare at him forever.”

“Oh that’s real classy. I hope he can see you staring from between my legs.”

“Oh my god, oh my god, he just saw me!”


“Oh my god, oh my god. He’s walking this way!”

“Luna, calm down and stand up.”


“That’s better.”

“Shit! I need to hide.”

“You’re face is all red!”

“No, it’s not.”

“It is too. I know that guy, you want an introduction?”

“No, I don’t not!”

“This ought to be entertaining.”

“Don’t you dare, god dammit! Oh crap.”

“Hey! Calvin, my man! How’s it going?’

“Hey Alex! I’m doing good, nice to see you! This your girlfriend?”

“Oh hell no, this is one of my students, the worst one actually! Luna, say hello to Calvin. Come on, pull your head out of my jacket, this is embarrassing.”

“Um… hi Luna. Wow. She’s pretty shy, Alex.”

“Not shy enough unfortunately. Surely you and everyone else listened in awe when she started to sing along, the end of the first act?

“Wow! That was her? Quite a voice for such a little lady.”

 “Yes, and she almost hit the high note.”

“Almost! …but not for a lack of trying.”

“Unfortunately, no.”

“Well, we all get caught up in the moment sometimes. Don’t be so hard on her. It really doesn’t compare to last year’s first act fiasco, when one of the actors got a little gaseous.”

“Oh god, I remember.”

“…and if that wasn’t bad enough, it caused an audience member to get a case of the giggles, which turned into a loud cackle. She got quite a mouth on her when they asked her to leave. She never did, though.”

“You’ll never guess who that was.” (points to Luna)

“No! Really?”


“Well okay then, you two. I should go, the orchestra is warming up. It was nice to meet you Luna. Um… you have a beautiful voice and wonderful laugh. I hope we meet again. See you later, Alex. ”

“Bye, Calvin.”

Luna: “Is he gone?”

“Yes, he’s gone. You can come out now.”


“Yes! Now, get the fuck out of my jacket.”

“Okay then, I’ll come out but… Oh my god, you LIAR!”

“Ouch! Control your purse!”

“Both of you are LIARS!”

Calvin: “Ouch! What the hell have you got in that thing?”

Alex: “Luna, calm down.”

“FUCK YOOOOOOU. Fuck BOTH of you!”

Alex: “Luna hush, seriously! It was just a joke.”

“Fuck you the hardest. I’m leaving!”

“Christ. I should go chase her.”

Calvin: “Good idea! She just ran into the men’s room.”

“Yes, and unfortunately it wasn’t an accident. I’ll see you later.”

“Later! ……Oh, fuck the opera. I’m going to go watch this instead.”

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

The Bartender

Bartender: “Hey there, little missy! What can I get you to drink?”

“I’ll have a beer, please.”

“A beer for the lady, fine… Hey, you old enough to be in here?”


“Maybe? Well… Why don’t you drink here at the bar so I can keep an eye on you then, deal?”


“That’s a pretty blouse you got on.”

“Thanks! My old man bought it for me.”

“Your what? Your old man?! Hold on now, I ain’t gonna have some angry mister come flying through that door now, am I?”

“Oh god, I hope not. You’d be so screwed if he did.”

“Hehehe, I don’t feel like getting in any trouble here tonight little lady… but I wouldn’t mind getting you alone.”

“Think you could handle me, cowboy?”

“Like you’ve never been handled before, Luna.”

“HEY! How did you know my name?”

“I’ve been warned about you.”

“Warned? What?! By who?”

“By several people.”

“That’s fucked up!”

“Relax, it got me interested more than anything.”

“I’m not a bad person!”

“No one said you were. They just said you were a handful, and I’m not really seeing a problem with… a handful.”

“You’re so sweet. What’s your name, cowboy?”

“Richard… and I’m a lot older than you are.”

“I noticed and it turned me on.”

“Oh lordy, you’re gonna get me in trouble here, aren’t you.”

“Hey, who warned you about me, anyway? That’s bullshit! I never did anything to deserve that. Okay, well maybe I have but I can’t believe someone would actually warn you about me. That’s rude. Seriously.”

“Calm down there now, tiger. Boy howdy, look at you chug that beer! Here, have another on the house.”

“Aw thank-you Texas! Seeeee, you’re really nice. You know how to treat a lady… like by giving her money for the jukebox.”

“Say what, hon?”

“It’s awfully quiet in here.”

“Oh the jukebox, take the whole tip jar over there, it doesn’t look like I’ll be needing my ones tonight.”

“So, when do you get off?”

“Right after you.”


“Careful, you’re spilling your drink.”

“I’d like to be spilling more than just my drink.”

“My shift ends in an hour… and if that angry guy who just walked through the door isn’t here to  kill me, sounds like I’m gonna get lucky!”

“Oh my fuckity, fuck fuck fuck! Hide me!”

“Hey, you can’t be back here behind the bar. What are you doing? That ain’t your old man now, is it?”

“Fuck no, worse. Asa. Shhhhh.”

“Who? Dammit Luna, now you’ve really got me in a…  HELLO there, Sir! So… what can I get you to drink?”

“Where’s Luna.”

“Say what?”

“Don’t fuck with me! Where is she?”


“Luna, stand up. I can see you back there.”


“Luna, stand up!”


“Fine. The boys can come in and you can leave kicking and screaming.”

“Fine. Bring it on.”

Bartender: “Please don’t be causing no trouble in here, y’all.”

Asa: “Shut up, you fucking old prick. I’ll cause a scene if I want to and I’ll be taking care of you… right after I take care of her. LUNA, COME HERE NOW!!!”

“Okay fine! I’m coming! Just leave the damn bartender alone, sheesh.”

“Luna, what the fuck are you wearing? Why don’t you go ahead and put your tits away!”


“BOTH of them!”


“Amazing. As for you mister bartender, you let this bitch in here again and you’ll be the proud owner of a keg shoved up your ass. Got it? Now, where the fuck did she go? LUNA?! Where the fuck… GOD DAMMIT!!!”

“Hehehe… uh-oh.”