Tuesday, September 4, 2012

The Bartender

Bartender: “Hey there, little missy! What can I get you to drink?”

“I’ll have a beer, please.”

“A beer for the lady, fine… Hey, you old enough to be in here?”


“Maybe? Well… Why don’t you drink here at the bar so I can keep an eye on you then, deal?”


“That’s a pretty blouse you got on.”

“Thanks! My old man bought it for me.”

“Your what? Your old man?! Hold on now, I ain’t gonna have some angry mister come flying through that door now, am I?”

“Oh god, I hope not. You’d be so screwed if he did.”

“Hehehe, I don’t feel like getting in any trouble here tonight little lady… but I wouldn’t mind getting you alone.”

“Think you could handle me, cowboy?”

“Like you’ve never been handled before, Luna.”

“HEY! How did you know my name?”

“I’ve been warned about you.”

“Warned? What?! By who?”

“By several people.”

“That’s fucked up!”

“Relax, it got me interested more than anything.”

“I’m not a bad person!”

“No one said you were. They just said you were a handful, and I’m not really seeing a problem with… a handful.”

“You’re so sweet. What’s your name, cowboy?”

“Richard… and I’m a lot older than you are.”

“I noticed and it turned me on.”

“Oh lordy, you’re gonna get me in trouble here, aren’t you.”

“Hey, who warned you about me, anyway? That’s bullshit! I never did anything to deserve that. Okay, well maybe I have but I can’t believe someone would actually warn you about me. That’s rude. Seriously.”

“Calm down there now, tiger. Boy howdy, look at you chug that beer! Here, have another on the house.”

“Aw thank-you Texas! Seeeee, you’re really nice. You know how to treat a lady… like by giving her money for the jukebox.”

“Say what, hon?”

“It’s awfully quiet in here.”

“Oh the jukebox, take the whole tip jar over there, it doesn’t look like I’ll be needing my ones tonight.”

“So, when do you get off?”

“Right after you.”


“Careful, you’re spilling your drink.”

“I’d like to be spilling more than just my drink.”

“My shift ends in an hour… and if that angry guy who just walked through the door isn’t here to  kill me, sounds like I’m gonna get lucky!”

“Oh my fuckity, fuck fuck fuck! Hide me!”

“Hey, you can’t be back here behind the bar. What are you doing? That ain’t your old man now, is it?”

“Fuck no, worse. Asa. Shhhhh.”

“Who? Dammit Luna, now you’ve really got me in a…  HELLO there, Sir! So… what can I get you to drink?”

“Where’s Luna.”

“Say what?”

“Don’t fuck with me! Where is she?”


“Luna, stand up. I can see you back there.”


“Luna, stand up!”


“Fine. The boys can come in and you can leave kicking and screaming.”

“Fine. Bring it on.”

Bartender: “Please don’t be causing no trouble in here, y’all.”

Asa: “Shut up, you fucking old prick. I’ll cause a scene if I want to and I’ll be taking care of you… right after I take care of her. LUNA, COME HERE NOW!!!”

“Okay fine! I’m coming! Just leave the damn bartender alone, sheesh.”

“Luna, what the fuck are you wearing? Why don’t you go ahead and put your tits away!”


“BOTH of them!”


“Amazing. As for you mister bartender, you let this bitch in here again and you’ll be the proud owner of a keg shoved up your ass. Got it? Now, where the fuck did she go? LUNA?! Where the fuck… GOD DAMMIT!!!”

“Hehehe… uh-oh.”

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