Ettiquette

Michael: “HEY! What’s going on in here?”

Luna: “It’s Alex’s fault! He smacked my ass with a ruler HARD and for no good reason!”

Alex: “It’s true I did. She bent over and I had a ruler in my hand. I couldn’t help it.”

Luna: “See, he even admitted it. Do something, sir!”

Michael: “Like what.”

Luna: “Tell him to never do that again!”

Michael: “I’m more tempted to remind you to stop bending over in front of men the way you do, Luna.”

Luna: “Alex, stop laughing!”

Alex: “Hey give me back my ruler, Luna!”

Michael: “I’ll take that ruler and if you’re smart Luna, you’ll take a seat… wise choice.”

Bad Teacher

Alex: “Give me your hand, Luna.”

“Why?”

“Trust me!”

“Okay…” *giggles*

“Good, now give me your other one.”

“Why? What are you doing?”

“Your hands are freezing, my dear.”

“I know, that’s because it’s cold out here! You didn’t answer my question.”

“What’s that, my dear?”

“What are you doing with my hands?”

“I’m warming them up. Would you like me to stop?”

“Noooo. I kind of like this but you’re going to get me in trouble!”

“In trouble, why?”

“Well because if Michael saw us like this, he would NOT be very happy.”

“Luna, this is perfectly innocent.”

“…bummer.”

“Hey come closer, you look like a frozen little popsicle!”

“I feel like one! …but ooooooh hey, now that feels nice. You’re so warm and you smell… you smell so good.”

“Hands up here, Luna.”

“Okay.”

“That’s better.”

“Mmmm. I’m in heaven.”

“There’s a million stars out tonight.”

“Yes, there is and it’s beeeautiful!”

”Beautiful, kind of like you.”

*giggles, sighs*

Michael: “What the hell is going on here?”

Stupid Party

Michael: “Luna where the fuck have you been?”

“In the limo smoking weed!”

“I am NOT impressed.”

“Just because you don’t think it’s very lady-like.”

“There’s nothing wrong with expecting you to act like a lady. Speaking of which, you have ash on your teeth.”

“Oh shit! …Hold on …Okay, did I get it?”

“No.”

“How about now?”

“No.”

“How about now?”

“Oh for Christ’s sake Luna, hold still…… there.”

“Damn sir! You could’ve been a little nicer about it, sheesh. Where the hell have your fingers been? Gross.”

“Shut up. I wanted to go back to the party but fuck, Luna, you look wasted!”

“You said but fuck! That’s funny. I’m hungry. Ooh, I see food.”

“Luna, wait up.”

“Lots of food, yay! Want a celery stick?”

“No.”

“How about some of these little baby shrimpy dude looking things?”

“No.”

“Cranky wanna cracker?”

“Put down the fucking food, Luna! I’m not very happy with this little stunt you’ve pulled.”

“Well, I’m not very happy you made me be here, so there.”

“You have to learn to get along with people at some point.”

“No, I don’t. People are stupid. I don’t want to be nice or lady-like. I don’t even think I was supposed to be born a lady, you know that? I bet I was supposed to be a boy.”

“Luna, put down that sausage.”  

“Check out my magnificent weenie! Oh yeah, baby! Stroke it, stroke it!”

“People are staring, stop it!”

“Hey careful, you don’t have permission to touch my weenie.”

“I’m warning you, put it down.”

“You know what else I like to do with a nice big weenie?”

“Do NOT give that sausage a blow job, Luna…… put it back on the table, Luna…… don’t you dare…… DAMMIT LUNA! ”

“Hey! What did you do with my weenie? Where are we going? We were just getting started! Let go of my ear!”

“I’ve had enough of you, we’re going home.”

“So early? You’re such a party pooper.”

“Where’s your coat?”

“I dunno.”

“Where’s your purse?”

“I dunno that either but you know what I do know? I know that lady back there in the green dress has a lot of pills in her purse, or had them there anyway. You know what else I know? Her old man was kissing another lady in the hallway, poorly I might add. You know what else I know? I’m still hungry but that’s not what I was going to say. You know what else I know? I know all the letters of the alphabet backwards! Asa said I should practice for some reason, wanna hear me practice? …Sir? Where did you get that roll of duct tape from?  That’s an awfully weird thing to be carrying around with you at a party, don’t you th….”

Prick

“Hi Asa. Can I come in?”

“Yeah, what do you want.”

“Nothing, I just want to talk to someone.”

“Isn't that what Alex is for?”

“I suppose.”

“I don’t have the time to entertain you tonight, Luna.”

“I don’t want to be entertained.”

“Go find Michael.”

“He’s not here.”

“Go find Alex then!”

“No! I don’t want to …and why are you being such a prick bastard?”

“What did you call me?”

“A. prick. bastard. Would you like me to repeat that in another language? Would that be helpful?”

“Think twice before you keep talking.”

“Would you understand it better if I said it in Spanish? El pricko bastardo!”

“That’s enough.”

“I can say it in Italian… prickissimo bastardetto!”

“Shut the fuck up, Luna.”

“German? Das prick.”

“NO MORE!”

“Wait, wait. I want to say it in Chinese… Yoo peek bah-stad. Hahahaha!”

“That’s it.”

*running, screaming*

*chasing, cursing*

“Okay, okay! I’m sorry, I didn't mean it, let me go!”

“Too late.”

“Fine, I get to say it in French then. La pweek bastarde! Hahahaha, hey… where are we going?”

“We aren‘t going anywhere. You however, are leaving. Immediately.”

“Oh come on, you can handle a little name-calling, can’t you?”

“Let go of the door frame.”

“No!”

“Luna, if you don’t get out of my office, right now, I‘m going to show you just exactly what a real prick I can be. It’s your choice.”

“Okay fine, I’m leaving. Your fly is open… Ha! Made you look.”

“GO!”

*door slam*

“Prick.”

Paint

“Luna, what the hell is going on here?”

“I’m painting my room!”

“Where did you find a gallon of paint?”

“In the garage.”

“Why the fuck is it all over the floor?”

“Whoops.”

“Luna, this floor is irreplaceable!”

“What do you mean? You replaced half of it last year, when I tore it up looking for hidden treasures, remember?”

“I remember.”

“You look really mad.”

“That’s because I am.”

“Oh ,come on! Why can’t I paint my stupid room?”

“Give me the paint brush.”

“No.”

“Give it.”

“No!”

“Fine. If that’s the way you want it.”

“Whoa! Okay fine, here it is! Just put your stupid belt back on. No need to get all testy and stuff. Is it the color? Maybe we could negotiate.”

“No, go get cleaned up.”

“Cleaned up, why?”

“Because you are covered in paint.”

“Am not!”

“Oh really? Why don’t you go look in the mirror.”

“I can’t.”

“I know you can‘t because you painted over it, too.”

“That’s because… I didn’t like the way I was looking at me!”

“Have you been drinking?”

“Noooo!”

“Really?”

“Of course not. Okay, well maybe just a little but… Hey, put the damn belt back on! Sheesh.”

“GO GET CLEANED UP!”

“Fine! So you really don’t like the color, do you?”

“Luna, it doesn’t matter what I think of the color.”

“Yes, it does.”

“Why?”

“Because I started in your room.”

“You what?!”

“Just kidding! Hahahaha! …Hey, I said I was just… OUCH! FUCK!”

“Where do you think you’re going, get back here.”

“No! You and you’re stupid belt!”

“Stop running around! The floor is wet, you’re going to slip and……  fall.”

“Ow. So, now you tell me.”

*sigh*

“Now my butt really hurts.”

“That’s unfortunate because your ass hasn’t even begun to feel the pain it deserves tonight.”

“Hey, my ass is fragile and one of a kind and you should be nice to it!”

“Your ass has no chance. Go get cleaned up.”

“Fine, but just for the record I… OUCH! You and you’re damn fucking belt!”

“You should start counting these.”

“No! That’s stupid, you count them.”

“COUNT!

“OKAY ONE! One already, there I said it… but that’s not fair, it’s really two. Now leave me alone so I can go get cleaned up. Damn.”

“Faster!”

“OUCH! Hey, stop chasing me!”

“COUNT!”

“TWO! Two but really three! This is stupid and you’re being extra mean tonight.”

“LUNA! There is FUCKING PAINT EVERYWHERE!”

*pout*

“Don’t you dare start pouting.”

“I didn’t mean to make you mad.”

“I think you did.”

“I wanted to surprise you with something but I screwed it up.”

“Don’t try to turn this around, Luna.”

“I’m not!”

“You knew I wouldn’t be happy.”

*silence*

“But you did it anyway.”

*smile*

“You must like the belt.”

“Noooooo, Of course I don’t!”

“For the last time Luna, go get…”

“Go get cleaned up! I know I’m going but for someone who’s supposed to be pissed off over a stupid paint job, you sure got a big smile on your face! …OUCH, three but really four.”

Security Detail

Asa:

“So, Luna. You’re probably wondering why I brought you here, out in the middle of nowhere. The cactus looks killer in the moonlight don’t you think? It’s chilly though, shame I didn’t let you grab a jacket. Hey, don’t roll your eyes at me or you’ll find yourself in an even worse situation, and stop struggling. Your ropes are tight, it’ll only leave marks. Sit on the hood of my car bitch, right next to where you keyed it. Here, let me help you… there. Hey, sorry I tossed your shoes out but I noticed you run slower without them. What a tacky shade of red on your toenails. Someone should help you pick these things out. Too bad you’re such a bitch or you’d have friends. Just as well, you get in enough trouble without an accomplice. Which reminds me why we are here, Luna. You’ve been making my life fucking difficult lately and I don’t like it. At the party this weekend, I want you to keep your mouth shut and don’t talk to anyone. Play shy, feign sick, I don’t care but just stay next to Michael the entire fucking time. Got it? I don’t want to have to keep an eye on you. No walks, no sneaking out for a cigarette, just stay put in whatever chair he sits you in. I’m serious Luna, I want a break from you for one fucking night. So, have I got your attention? …Good, and you’re going to cooperate, right? …Good. Would you like the tape off your mouth now? …Tough shit. Hehehe, I’m so fucking funny. Hey, you’re starting to look really cold. I can tell by those nipples, nice. Hey don’t turn away from me female, you’re not in a position to decide what happens next. Calm down and deal with it.”

The Opera: Intermission

Alex and Luna in the foyer:

“Luna, what are you staring at?”

“That really hot guy over there.”

“Well, knock it off.”

“No. Hey move!”

“No. Luna, get off the floor!”

“No. I can see him from down here and I’m going to stare at him forever.”

“Oh that’s real classy. I hope he can see you staring from between my legs.”

“Oh my god, oh my god, he just saw me!”

“Christ.”

“Oh my god, oh my god. He’s walking this way!”

“Luna, calm down and stand up.”

“Okay!”

“That’s better.”

“Shit! I need to hide.”

“You’re face is all red!”

“No, it’s not.”

“It is too. I know that guy, you want an introduction?”

“No, I don’t not!”

“This ought to be entertaining.”

“Don’t you dare, god dammit! Oh crap.”

“Hey! Calvin, my man! How’s it going?’

“Hey Alex! I’m doing good, nice to see you! This your girlfriend?”

“Oh hell no, this is one of my students, the worst one actually! Luna, say hello to Calvin. Come on, pull your head out of my jacket, this is embarrassing.”

“Um… hi Luna. Wow. She’s pretty shy, Alex.”

“Not shy enough unfortunately. Surely you and everyone else listened in awe when she started to sing along, the end of the first act?

“Wow! That was her? Quite a voice for such a little lady.”

 “Yes, and she almost hit the high note.”

“Almost! …but not for a lack of trying.”

“Unfortunately, no.”

“Well, we all get caught up in the moment sometimes. Don’t be so hard on her. It really doesn’t compare to last year’s first act fiasco, when one of the actors got a little gaseous.”

“Oh god, I remember.”

“…and if that wasn’t bad enough, it caused an audience member to get a case of the giggles, which turned into a loud cackle. She got quite a mouth on her when they asked her to leave. She never did, though.”

“You’ll never guess who that was.” (points to Luna)

“No! Really?”

“Yup.”

“Well okay then, you two. I should go, the orchestra is warming up. It was nice to meet you Luna. Um… you have a beautiful voice and wonderful laugh. I hope we meet again. See you later, Alex. ”

“Bye, Calvin.”

Luna: “Is he gone?”

“Yes, he’s gone. You can come out now.”

“Promise?”

“Yes! Now, get the fuck out of my jacket.”

“Okay then, I’ll come out but… Oh my god, you LIAR!”

“Ouch! Control your purse!”

“Both of you are LIARS!”

Calvin: “Ouch! What the hell have you got in that thing?”

Alex: “Luna, calm down.”

“FUCK YOOOOOOU. Fuck BOTH of you!”

Alex: “Luna hush, seriously! It was just a joke.”

“Fuck you the hardest. I’m leaving!”

“Christ. I should go chase her.”

Calvin: “Good idea! She just ran into the men’s room.”

“Yes, and unfortunately it wasn’t an accident. I’ll see you later.”

“Later! ……Oh, fuck the opera. I’m going to go watch this instead.”